Learning to Love and Be Loved
by ninjatomomi
Summary: After saving and taking Matthew into his own family, Gilbert begins to question whether his decision was right. Through the drama of therapy, adoption and case hearings he must learn to adapt and love the boy who never experienced love in the first place
1. April 30, 1973

Learning to Love and Be Loved

**So, this is a sequel to my other story _The Boy with the Purple Eyes._ I suggest that you read the other story before this one since it might make things a little more clearer but hey, nobody's stopping you from reading this with out the other :D**

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_April 30, 1973_

Damn, I feel so incredibly NOT awesome today. I lost my journal! How the hell could I lose my journal! It's the only thing I have that contains Matthew's story and I lost it! I feel like screaming and tearing my hair out and hitting myself. No actually, I take my statements back; I won't tear out hair or hit my awesome body. I'll settle for screaming out the frustration as loud as I can. If the neighbors don't like it, they'll just have to kiss my ass. Excuse me for a second…

Ok, I'm back now. I guess I feel a little bit better than before. Well, journal number two, right now I really hate you. You cannot and will not, not even in a million years, be as special as my other one. I'm pretty positive of that statement too. I really should be talking about what happened so far in life, since I haven't written anything since the 28th. Let's see…

It's been two days since I found him, Matthew that is, and brought him to the hospital. He's been stuck in a hypothermia induced coma the whole time. The doctors gave him an oxygen mask to aid his breathing and gave him some other treatments to help the coldness of his body disappear. I guess it worked, even though he's still not awake.

Since the time I brought him in, I would visit him during my lunch break and after work. I'd go in the mornings too but the nurses wouldn't let me inside to see him, saying that it was too early and visiting hours hadn't even started. Just to let you know, I really wanted to flip them off and tell them to "kiss my ass" but I held it back. I didn't want to get kicked out or worse, be banned from seeing Matthew. That would be the most horrible thing ever. EVER.

Anyway, sometimes I like to sit with Matthew in his room. I'll watch his little chest move up and down, up and down, up and down in a constant cycle. I'm always worried that if I fall asleep, his breathing will stop and I'll never see him again. I force myself to stay awake and I pray to all of the gods in heaven to help keep Matthew alive and to one day make him mine.

I talk to Matthew too. I'll grasp his smaller hand in mine and tell him about everything I saw that particular day. I'll tell him about Ludwig, the office, about myself, the case I'm working on currently, and sometimes even about what we're going to do when he wakes up. I tell him how I'll take him to the park and he can play on the jungle gym and swings, doing all the fun things that children like to do. I tell him how he no longer has to be lonely and how now he'll finally have the love that he deserves.

In the two day's I've visited Matthew, nobody other than myself visited the poor boy. Not his two fathers, at this point I wouldn't even consider them his fathers, or his brother. It made me angry inside. Why should they have this sweet boy when they don't even care for him? It's not fair. Not fair to me and especially not fair to Matthew.

Anyway, today was different. While I was sitting with Matthew, his hand inside mine, two people came in, two people who I've never seen before. They introduced themselves as social workers who have come to take care of Matthew's legal work.

I was, for the most part, stunned. Matthew's legal work? I thought to myself "What the hell do they mean?" They must have read my mind because the taller one turned to me and said "The state is taking Matthew away from his current family. We have done a search of his home life and family and we have deemed it necessary to take him away."

Oh. My. God. It was one of the most shocking events I have ever had in my life. Matthew, the boy I obsessively looked for and wanted to make my own, could possibly be mine. I thanked all of the gods in heaven for answering my prayers. I remember going up to the agents, begging and pleading for them to let me adopt the boy. They explained that Matthew may end up in foster care, if he wakes up, until he finished with whatever treatments he may need.

"No!" I told them. "I want to take care of Matthew!" I explained to them that Matthew would be best suited for me since he already knows my voice and is familiar with me. I watched as they looked at each other and back at me. The shorter one let out a sigh and told me that they'll be judges of whether the boy would function well with me. They said that if Matthew does respond well enough, they'll make an exception and let him stay with me. Not to say the least, I was hopeful and excited. I wanted to give him a better life. A better one than the one he had already lived so long, without someone there with him.

As I sit here on my bed, I can't help but wonder, what will life be like if Matthew does come and live with me? What would he do? What will he need? Where will he sleep? (I'll probably have to get a bigger apartment…I guess for now I'll have to sleep on the couch and he can sleep on the bed.) And more importantly, what is it really like to take care of another child? I mean, I did raise Ludwig, but he was already practically a full blown teen and could take care of himself. I never really had to help him. Matthew, on the other hand, is ten, was never loved, was never properly cared for and lonely, something Ludwig never was. I don't want to hurt or mess Matthew up even more but I can't help but question whether or not I'm making the right decision. Am I right in saying that I am the best suited for taking care of him? I guess, only Matthew knows what is right for him.

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**Yay! I finally started the sequel! I hope it lives up to your expectations :D Oh, by the way, I totally made up that last part with the social workers and whether or not Matt can stay with Gilbert on account of compatibility. I used it because it helps the story flow. I know that it's probably wrong so yeah...I just wanted to get that out. Let see, I technically have only four more days of school left expect updates fairly soon...uh...I guess that's it. Oh wait, one more thing. As you know, I don't know any psychology and what ever information that goes into the story is what I've found off the internet. So, if anybody knows psychology and sees something wrong, please tell me. I now have time where I can actually fix it the same day...so yeah...**

**Anyway, thanks for reading and please review!  
**


	2. May 1, 1973

Learning to Love and Be Loved

**I'm so happy that you guy's love this story! All of the faves and alerts make me happy. The reviews really brighten my day too. I love getting e-mails at school (on my phone) saying that I have a new review. It makes my day so much better :D I really want to thank all of you who did take the time to review, fave, or alert this story!**

**Edit: Wow I totally didn't see that! Thank you kleptowerewolf for pointing out that I totally messed up and placed March behind April instead of May .  
**

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_May 1, 1973_

OH MY GOD! Ohmygodohmygodohmygod! I don't know what to do! Should I cry? Should I scream? Should I smile and laugh? I really don't know what to do! I feel so…so strange inside. I feel happy, elated even, and dare I say it, tearful. I feel like crying… I'm so emotional today and I just can't help it…

I should start from the beginning, since I want to remember this day forever. Ok, so, the day started out like any other boring day. I woke up and told myself that I'm so awesome like I do every day (except when Matthew was missing. I didn't feel so awesome then). Then I did all of my daily morning routines in order: brushed my teeth, told myself how awesome I am while changing into my work clothes, ate breakfast, and lastly said good morning to Matthew (not the real one, mind you, but his picture that was still next to my apartment's front door. You know, the one with the lit candles around it from when he was still missing).

Anyway, I left shortly after that to head off to the office. Nothing good really happened at work today. All of the homicides were surprisingly plain and typical. No ax murderers or exciting things like that. I sound kind of sadistic don't I? I mean every murder is gruesome but some are just more exciting and grisly than others. I guess that's why I wanted to be a homicide detective, I got to see the more horrific side of human nature, the side that's always hidden from plain sight and nobody knows about until~

Great, I'm getting sidetracked…uhh, where was I…oh yeah! Well, I went to go visit Matthew on my lunch break, since I always do. He was still out and I talked to him. I told him how boring today was, until I went to visit him of course, and how when he wakes up I will never have another boring day in my life. I watched him sleep for a while and prayed to any god in the world that they would help Matthew get better. Once my lunch hour was almost over, l left Matthew and went back to work. I know, it's boring right, just like my day, but I'm not at the good part yet, so it gets better!

When I got off of work around six -ish, I went to go visit Matthew again, like I always do. I arrived at the hospital and was walking by the front desk when the nurse lady got up from her position and stopped me. (She knew who I was since I visited the hospital so many times and knew that I was going to see Matthew.) She ran up to me and told me that no one was allowed to see him. Perplexed, I asked her why the hell not and she explained that Matthew had woken up around two PM. All I remember from that moment were the words "He's awake! Oh my God he's awake! Matthew! I have to see him!" running through my head like one of those never ending news reels that keep going in a continuous cycle.

Apparently shortly after, the nurse and I got into a fight over whether or not I could see Matthew at the moment. I just remember the main doctor, the one treating Matthew, had to come in. He got between the two of us and broke up our verbal brawl with the help of a few other nurses.

When I finally reached reality, and recognized who the man who stopped my tirade was, I practically begged him to let me see Matthew. He said it was fine but that I shouldn't expect anything from him and that he was "being unreasonable in cooperating with the other doctors." The head guy continued to explain that when Matthew had woken up and saw the other nurses and doctors, who were mostly male, he tried to hide from them. When the same people attempted to help him, he violently struggled and resisted their help. The only people, the doctor said, who could successfully reach out to Matthew were the female nurses, as they succeeded in giving him water and the aid he needed. The doctor also said that the resident child therapist had told the males assigned to Matthew to leave him be for a little while since he may be dealing with post traumatic stress disorder or something close to it. I have to say that I wasn't really listening to what the doctor had said to me but when he let me go, I made my way to Matthew's assigned room, excited to meet the boy who I had never really met in person.

Filled with exhilaration, I flung open his door, still not really thinking about what the doctor had warned me about just moments before, and I could tell that I had already scared Matthew.

When he heard the sound of his door being ripped from its hinges, Matthew whipped his head around and faced me, his eyes large, wide, and full of fear. When I started to walk closer to him, he whimpered and started shaking tremendously. I tried to talk to him, saying soothing words that I hoped would calm him, but he continued to shake and whimper. Once I reached his bed, he scooted to the farther side of his bed, trying to not be within reach of my grasp.

I have to say that I was a little disappointed with what happened inside that room. I half heartedly expected Matthew to recognize at least my voice from all of the time I spent talking to him. When I saw him retreat, I gave up trying to sit on the bed and went instead for the visitor's chair. I brought it closer to the bed and sat down on it, Matthew all the while watching my every move like a hawk.

We sat there together for a good ten minutes in silence, me looking at anything other than the boy while Matthew was looking at his sheets. I didn't want him to see me as a threat, although, I did catch him staring at _me_ a few times. When I caught him, staring that is, I noticed that there was _some_ sort of recognition in his eyes, like he knew who I was but couldn't really put his finger on it. After awhile, he grabbed Kumajirou, who was conveniently sitting close to him on the bed, and brought him up to his chest, the bear's head reaching and covering up the lower half of his face.

Matthew then did the strangest thing, he smelled his bear. I swear it! He smelled that bear, I give your word. He stuck his nose into the white fur and deeply inhaled the scent that lingered on Kumajirou. It was the weirdest thing I had seen in a while.

I watched as Matthew's eyes shot open and he scooted closer to me. He then reached out and tried to grab my hand. Picking up on his actions, I gently took my hand and placed it into his smaller one. He brought my hand up to his nose and sniffed the long sleeve of my navy work shirt. He looked up at me, purple eyes full of acknowledgement and no longer fear or distrust. I could tell that he had some idea of who I was, since he associated me with Kumajirou's smell. (I did have that bear for a while and I did take it everywhere I went. It makes sense that my scent would be on the bear.)

He let go of my hand and scooted back away from me. While still maintaining eye contact with me, he patted the empty space he made, wanting me to sit with him. How could I not comply with that action, especially with those large, soft violet eyes staring deeply into my own?

And that's where the doctors found me, on Matthew's bed, him snuggled into my side, sleeping peacefully, as I stroked his hair softly and repeatedly. They told me that it was almost ten PM, that visiting hours were over and that I had to leave. I lightly shook Matthew awake, and I watched as his eyes fluttered open. He yawned and sat up while got off of his hospital bed. When I was getting ready to leave the room, I looked back at him and noticed that he looked so sad, the fear and distrust back in his eyes. I told him that I would be back tomorrow to visit him and he brightened up a bit, the fear leaving but the distrust was still there in his eyes. Heh, and those social workers doubted me when I told them that Matthew and I had a special relationship.

As I drove home, I came to the conclusion that getting Matthew to be my foster child was going to be a piece of cake. I mean seriously, he looked fine, well as fine as you could be when getting out of a coma that is. I reasoned that since the doctor had said that he, Matthew, didn't let other males come near him, and yet he let me, that it was proof that we have a special bond. I doubt that anyone could be as close to Matthew as me.

I realize that I should be worrying about any future bumps that we, Matthew and I (assuming that we'll be able to stick together), may face in our future, but hey, whatever. It's not like Matthew's older family, the one who I should say never visited him once as he stayed in the hospital, will come in and say that they want their son back. Or that the state will say that Matthew is too psychologically unfit for a future adoption or something like that. Ha, what a joke, it'll never happen. Not in a million years.

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**Yay a new chapter done! I hope that it was good enough...I had my doubts after rereading it a few times. I know that it's pretty boring right now but the story will soon pick up, probably in the next chapter or the one after that...Hmm I'm expecting to update it hopefully by Sunday at the latest. I have a few things that I need to finish before writing the next chapter. Oh, by the way if you're following it, I'm almost done with the next chapter of **_A Secret Hidden From You._** It's about 85% done. I have really iffy feelings about that story...I might just take a break from it. I have everything planned out for it up to like chapter 15 but the will to write it is just not there...ehhh...I really don't know.**

**What else was I going to say...Oh yeah, this might be a spoiler but I really don't know who could be the therapist Matthew has to see in the story...I was hoping that you guys would have suggestions over who it could be...**

**Anyway, thanks for putting up with this super long author's note and please review!  
**


	3. May 2, 1973

Learning to Love and Be Loved

_May 2, 1973_

Well…I really don't know what to write. Is that a bad thing? I mean really! I should be writing pages and pages and what do I have? A mere three sentences (obviously not including this one). This day had to have been the one of happiest days of my life and I have writer's block! This is horrible! What can I say? What can I write that won't make today sound like some ordinary day or make the events less than what they were? Sigh…I guess I should stop beating around the bush, don't ya think?

I officially took the day off today. I say officially only because I would normally just ditch work to do whatever, even though I am the head homicide investigator and I'm supposedly important…Anyway, I didn't go to the station today because I wanted to spend my time with Matthew, since he's awake and all. Even Ludwig thought that it was an excellent idea and he never thinks my ideas are good. He said that it was "valuable opportunity to spend some quality time with the boy" so he let me go.

When I arrived at the hospital it was eight in the morning and apparently it was breakfast time, as told to me by the head nurse at the front desk. She was happy to see me and told me and I quote "Thank God you're here! Matthew isn't cooperating and won't eat his breakfast or take his medicine. He won't let anyone touch or near him."

She continued to explain to me as we walked over to his room that Matthew would struggle to get away from the male nurses who entered his room. I questioned why they would send in male nurses if it was so obvious that Matthew couldn't function with them. The lady stated that all of the female nurses were either not on shift or they were working in some other part of the hospital. I mentally did a face palm at the hospital's incompetence.

We eventually stopped outside of a room with the number 283 and a placard that read _M. Williams_, and slowly opened the door. I walked inside alone, since the nurse decided to go back to the front desk, and observed the ten year old boy I had saved just a few days prior as he drew something on a piece of paper someone had probably given him. I quietly walked over and leaned at the foot of his bed until he noticed my presence. When he did, he gave me a big smile and I moved so that I could sit with him on the bed.

When the two of us were comfortable on the small bed, I watched him draw. I could tell he was a budding artist as his pencil sketches were amazing. They were so amazing that I couldn't possibly accurately describe them in my writing. Someday, I predict, Matthew will be able to sell his art in famous galleries and will be well known to the public. I can see it now…

After a good five minutes of daydreaming about art and of the future, I found myself back in reality, surrounded by painstaking silence. Being as I was never one to keep my mouth shut for very long, I addressed my companion.

"Matthew," I said, "the nurses tell me you didn't eat breakfast. Why? Aren't you hungry?"

I watched as he nodded yes to the latter question as he continued to draw on the paper, never once taking his eyes off the white sheet.

"Well, why didn't you eat the food then if you were hungry?"

He didn't look up from his drawing, however, after a good minute he stopped the movement of his pencil and he turned to gaze into my eyes.

There was fear in them, I noticed, not of me but of something else. I thought for a moment. The nurse said that the only nurses there were to bring food to the patients were male. Matthew had a fear of male nurses. It suddenly hit me.

"You're afraid of them aren't you. The people who brought you breakfast were male right?"

He nodded slowly and his whole body began to shake a little. I have never seen a ten year old so frightened in my life. I reached over and enveloped him in a hug (Normally I would never give free hugs but with Matthew, it's different. He's so young and so much has happened to him, things ten year olds are not supposed to experience). His shaking slowed down to the point of where his body had stilled and he relaxed. I let go of him and watched as he went back to scribbling on his now almost filled paper, Kumajirou now tightly gripped in his free arm.

Without warning, a loud grumbling was heard and Matthew froze, his face suddenly tomato red in embarrassment. I laughed a little and decided to go and get him something to eat.

"Here, I'll go get you something." I said as I slowly slid out of the bed. I opened the door to his one man room and flagged down a lone (and somehow surprising) female nurse that happened to be walking by. I told her that Matthew, the patient in room 283, wanted something to eat and she said that she would go and get something, though it would be about five minutes. I told her I could wait and she left leaving me to sit on one of the nearby hallway benches. I didn't want to go into the room without food or have the nurse enter and scare Matthew.

It took a good ten minutes for her to come back, rambling about how the cook chef people wouldn't give her the food (if you ask me, I think she got lost. She looked like a new bee in case you're wondering). In the end, I just took the tray and went back into the room hoping that Matthew didn't think that I abandoned him.

When I opened the door, the little boy looked up, happiness shining in his eyes. I quickly walked over to him and waited as he moved his drawing paper and pencil, placing his tray down only when I was sure he was ready for it. As soon as I removed the plastic cover, he began to devour his food. It was, I have to say, quite comical as he was quite hungry.

Once Matthew was full, we sat there, together in silence until the door opened around eleven. Matthew's doctor, who also happened to be male (cue Matthew's intense shaking), stepped in and with him two people belonging to the Social Service. As the doctor began to step towards the bed, Matthew gripped my arm in his, successfully cutting off all blood circulation to the appendage and dropping Kumajirou onto the floor.

When the doctor reached the foot of the bed, he turned and told me that I would have to leave Matthew alone for a little bit as he did some routine tests on the boy. He also pointed out that the Social Security workers wanted to talk to me about something. I agreed and as I tried to slide off the bed, Matthew gripped me tighter, trying to keep me there next to him. I turned to him and as kindly and calmly said "Matthew, I'm just going out to talk with these people." I knew he was afraid but I wanted him to trust his own doctor.

He continued to give me puppy eyes wanting me to cave in and stay with him but I stared back unmoved. When he finally gave up and let go, I got off the bed and patted his head, hoping that it would calm him down a little. I then joined the SS workers and together we walked outside (trying to ignore the teary eyed ten year old boy on the bed was the most painful thing I've in quite a while mind you). Once we were outside the room, I slowly closed the door. I noticed that the workers were also men (what's with all the men today?) and they quickly got into what they wanted to tell me which was quite a surprise. Here, I'll quote it in a play like format:

SS worker 1 (_Blonde, short, blue eyed and nice_): Hi there! My name is Tino Väinämöinen and this is my partner, Berwald Oxenstierna. (_point to tall, _

_intimidating man standing next to character_) We're here to talk about Matthew's fate as the state now has full custody of the child.

Gilbert (myself) _confusedly_: Uhh…ok. What do we have to talk about?

SS Worker 2 aka Berwald (_Tall, intimidating, scary, blonde_): Th' b'y 'nd wh'th'r 'r n't y' c'n t'k c'r 'f h'm.

Me: What? I don't really understand a word you said.

Tino: What Berwald is saying is that we're here to tell you that we are willing to give you a special permit

to be Matthew's faster parent.

Me (_Shocked)_: Really? Wait. What do you mean (_raise hands and make quoting gesture_) "give you a

special permit?" I thought anyone could take care of a kid.

Berwald: N't r'lly. Y' n'd a p'rm't t' t'k c'r 'f th' k'ds. A st't iss'ed 'n.

Me (_glare confusedly and frustrated)_: Ok, seriously blondie, I really don't know what you're saying.

Tino: Basically, all of the children the state seizes are placed under the care of specially licensed people

who take care of the kids until they are adopted out or become adults. That's what happens

usually, however, in certain cases, the state could issue out a temporary license thus enabling

someone to take care of a child. We were sent by the state to look into Matthew's case and

determine whether or not he is a special case. I know it's a lot but do you have it so far?

Me: (_nod head in agreement but inwardly, have no clue what's the kid just said_)

Tino: Ok, good. Well, from what we observed in the first five minutes we were in the room, with the child only really responding to you, the information we gathered from earlier proved to be true and we are confirming Matthew to be a special case thus he is now in your care as he only reacts positively towards you. If you'll come to our office later today, we'll give you your temporary license.

Me (_surprised facial expression_): You mean he's mine?

Berwald: 'n a w'y, y's. B't n't f'rev'r, 'nl'ss y' 'd'pt h'm, wh'ch m'ght b' 'wh'l.

Me (_act uncharacteristically and hug the two_): I still have no idea what you said but thank you! Thank

you, thank you, thank you!

Tino(_being squished, voice strained_): Before you go, I have to tell you our hours and location of our

Office. The building's at the corner of Cedar and Pine and our office

is on the third floor. 9 AM to 8 PM. Please be there to get the

permit today.

Me (_Still elated_): Alright, I'll be there! I gotta tell Matthew! (_Lets go of the hug and runs inside the door _

_of Matthew's room_)

End play script.

Yeah, that's how it basically went down. Aren't you just amazed at my awesome memory? Anyway, once I was finished with talking to Tino and Berwald, I ran into the room, slamming open the door, and successfully scaring both occupants. If I remember correctly, the doctor was finishing up and was just about to leave. Matthew was sitting up in his bed, Kumajirou now in his arms and not on the floor.

I ran up to the boy and threw my arms around him. He winced and I noticed the rows of Band-Aids that went up and down his arms. I turned and glared at the doctor. How dare he hurt my little Matthew! When he noticed my intense glower, he put his hands up in a peace motion and replied that he was just updating Matthew on all of the vaccines and shots that he was missing. He also stated that he took some blood for a blood test. I narrowed my eyes but made a motion of agreement and watched as he and the Social Security workers left the room.

Once we were alone, I noticed Matthew was staring at me expectedly, his large purple eyes roaming my face as his head was cocked to the side. I remembered that I had wonderful news to spill to him and I asked him if he wanted to hear something special. He smiled and nodded his head yes.

"How you like to spend the next few months with me?"

If it was possible, Matthew's eyes grew larger as he took in what I said. He suddenly threw himself on to me and embraced me, moving his head in a yes like fashion.

"Alright then," I told him, "but you have to do me one favor. OK?"

He looked at me straight in the eyes and nodded yes over and over.

"Until the day you are released from the hospital, you have to do what the doctor tells you to ok? You have to eat your food, too, no matter who brings it to you. I can't come back tomorrow until my lunch break and I don't want any calls at work telling me you're being unreasonable. Am I clear?"

Another nod of the head.

"Good. Now, I have to leave now ok, but remember what I said. I'll be back tomorrow so don't worry ok?"

I patted him on the head and walked over to the door, placing my hand gently on the knob. I then turned around to face him, hand still on the door knob and gave him a wave with my free hand.

"Bye Matthew, be good."

He waved back and smiled, hugging Kumajirou close to his body. I then left the room, headed to my car and drove off to get the papers down town.

Nothing much happened at the Social Security office. They just had me wait in some guy's office (I can't remember his name but I swear the room was covered in things from Denmark) and when he came in, he handed me a manila folder of papers, explaining that it was all of Matthew's legal documents, things like his birth certificate, social security number, stuff like that. He also handed be another manila folder, this time with the temporary license in it. In our conversation about the papers, he stated that he wanted me to be back there in his office tomorrow afternoon to discuss the procedures that Matthew will have to go through and made the appointment to be at 1 pm. He then dismissed me and I basically went home after that.

In looking back at what happened today I can proudly say that I am overjoyed that Matthew is now under my care. I know I can take care of him and help him through whatever he will have to deal with.

Speaking of Matthew, I realized something about him when I was at the hospital. He never once spoke to me. Not a single word. I wonder why…It's not like he doesn't respond to me when I talk to him since he shakes his head in a yes or no fashion, but still. Should I be worried? I guess I ought to consult someone about his silence…But who? I don't know anyone who could help. More importantly is why Matthew is silent. Why _is_ he silent? I know that he's probably still traumatized but would the trauma of what he's gone through manifest itself into his silence? If it is, how do I fix it? How can I help the boy who has stolen my affection and love?

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**Hello! Sorry for the super long wait! I hope you enjoyed the chapter! By the way, Gilbert is not a pedo FYI. Just wanted to make it clear...So...AX is in like what two days? I'm going all four days so that may or may not delay a new chapter (it depends on whether or not I get up and write today or Wednesday...) If any of you guys are going, who knows maybe I'll see you :D Oh yeah, before I forget, I don't really know much about the foster system other than what Wikipedia has, so yeah, there's bound to be some wrong facts...I also made up the part about the temporary license thing too.  
**

**PS It's really late here so I may or may not have caught all of the mistakes. If there are any don't hesitate to tell me!**


	4. May 3, 1973

Learning to Love and Be Loved

_May 3, 1973_

Wow, today was such a pain in the ass. I mean it literally too. Since I didn't go to work yesterday I had to sit there in my stuffy office, in that piece of crap chair I have and sign papers for what, six hours! Geeze, make some insignificant lower officer sign those things, not me! Unfortunately, the paperwork is only the tip of the very large iceberg that's threatening the city.

Apparently there's some creep running around in our lovely suburban city killing kids and teenagers. Ludwig filled me in on it this morning, and let me tell you it's one of the worse serial cases we've seen and we've seen a few. So far, three bodies (two males and one female) were discovered on the bank of the Lotus River, a river located a few miles outside our city, but still in our jurisdiction, yesterday and a new one was discovered earlier this morning (female). All of the victims were under the age of twenty, the youngest so far being fifteen. What kind of sick bastard would do this?

Enough with the killer, I don't really want to think about it right before I go to bed. So, anyway, I had to sign and examine papers, look at evidence photos, etc. It was horrible, almost as bad as sitting though those meetings Ludwig holds ever end of the month to discuss what's going on in the police force. …Sigh…I really need a new chair…

I felt really bad that I was unable to see Matthew at the time I promised to see him. There was just too much to deal with this new case. We've got the victims' families to call, the press asking questions to which the answers we really don't want to release, the media hounding our backs, and oh God don't even get me started on the public's reaction to this whole ordeal. I'm just about ready to rip my hair out. Even though I did get to go see him, it was at like what eight pm? As cute as he was at the ungodly hour, trying to stay awake and all, I didn't get to talk to him as much as I had wanted to. I hope Matthew doesn't have any lingering hard feelings about me being late... At least I was able to tell him goodnight and was the last person he saw today.

I guess I should start talking about what happened when I went to the Social Security office and the day in general. So, remember all of that paper work from the beginning? Yeah, it almost made me late to the appointment. It takes me about twenty minutes to get from the station to the S.S. building downtown using the bus. Unfortunately, due to all of the paperwork, I totally lost track of time. When I first looked at the clock on my desk when I had arrived, it read eight AM in flashing green letters. When I looked back (only after doing what felt like a year's worth of paperwork) the clock signaled that it was twelve thirty pm. Well, shit…The bus I needed to catch left at twelve twenty five…

Now I had a couple of choices in how I wanted to get to the office, taking note that I don't really own a car (just a nice motorcycle that I ride once in a while). So my choices were as followed: One, walk to the office. Not going to happen and besides, it took way too long. Two, catch a cab. NO. N. O. No. I thought. I will not pay twenty freakin' dollars to get from the station to downtown in a dirty car that's been used by how many people? Seriously…They rip your off too. The last choice I had was to ask Ludwig for a ride…which is like impossible since all the guy does is eat, sleep, and do work. Getting him to stop his job is like trying to rip a super glued penny from off the sidewalk it's glued to…

Well to make it short, I somehow managed to get Ludwig to give me a ride. He took me to the S.S. office and just in time too for the appointment. When he pulled the car to the drop off curb, I jumped out of the car and ran as fast as I could up to the third floor. Once I got there, I flung open the door to the office and flopped inside. I swear, that Norwegian receptionist guy gave me one of the most disgusted/WTF faces I have ever seen. It kind of creeped me out a little. Just a bit, I mean, the awesome me is never truly frightened, especially when the one trying to scare me was a secretary. He let me inside the office and told me that the boss would be in shortly. I waited for what felt like forever and then the door opened up, revealing that tall Danish man (with one of the wildest hairdos I have ever seen I should add) from before.

He walked over and sat behind his desk, pulling his arms up onto the said wooden counter so that he could rest his chin on his hands. He smiled at me while I just kind of sat there on the soft plush chair across from him. And so began our long discussion on Matthew's fate…

About an hour and a half later, I walked out of that room, a medium sized box of Matthew's few belongings in my hands and a head weighted down by the knowledge of what Matthew would now have to face on a daily basis. In my opinion, it was horrendous, but by what the Danish man said, it would greatly aid Matthew into a full recovery.

As I walked to where Ludwig said he would pick me up, I began to go over the information given to me during the meeting. I guess here, in this journal, I'll write all of the points out in a list. It's much easier to see if I forgot anything.

Every day (excluding Saturday and Sunday), Matthew would be dropped off at this special and specified daycare for all of the children who needed psychological help that were in the foster care system. There, he would get the therapy he needed as well as go to a class for the schooling he needs so that he won't fall behind others his age.

Every second Saturday of the month two workers from S.S. will come and check up on Matthew just to see how he's progressing and whether or not he could be put up for adoption. They will also see how I'm doing and whether or not I'm providing the right atmosphere and attention for Matthew.

Lastly, if I were to ever move from the city to a new one, I would have to notify the S.S. office and tell them where we're headed so that they can get in touch with the S.S. b ranch wherever we're moving. In other words, they'll always be watching us as long as Matthew is property of the state.

If anything the S.S. finds to be unsatisfactory, they could come in and take Matthew away from me. This is what killed me the most. There is no way I'm losing him.

After Ludwig picked me up and I had stashed the box into his trunk, we headed over to my apartment so that I could drop said box off. Once we were there at my apartment, I unloaded Matthew's belongings into my room and rejoined Ludwig back at the car. From there we headed back to the station to continue our work and investigation on what we dubbed the Lotus River Killer, so named after the river he seems to favor dumping his victims' bodies in.

Around four in the afternoon, the station received a call about a newly discovered body in the river. This one was a girl. She had blonde hair and was around fourteen, making her our youngest victim so far. Her throat was slashed and her clothes were missing, much like the other four victims. Unfortunately, her body was highly decomposed, making it hard to properly identify her.

Both Ludwig and myself arrived at the crime scene ready to investigate the area for clues or anything in that matter. We didn't find much, although we were able to take pictures to add to our ever growing case folder. Right when I thought that it couldn't get any worse, the media had to show up, thus broadcasting everything to the public.

By the time the scene was properly analyzed, no thanks to the ever present news reporters, it was seven forty. I felt bad because I had promised Matthew that I was going to see him earlier in the day and I had fallen drastically short on that promise. Somehow or another, I managed to persuade Ludwig to give me a ride to the hospital to visit Matthew even though visiting hours had officially passed.

I stormed through the hallways of the hospital wing that Matthew was in, ignoring all of the nurses shouts of "Sir! You aren't allowed to be here right now!" When I finally reached Matthew's room, I slowly opened the door and stuck my head inside.

There he was, violet eyes covering his face as he let out a small gasping sound when he saw me, sitting in his bed, Kumajirou in his arms. He must have been starting to fall asleep. I ran over to his bed and ruffled his hair a little as he gave me one of his million dollar smiles and a small tired hug. I'm sure Matthew wanted an explanation of my tardiness but at the time I could tell he didn't really care where I was. He only cared that I was there with him. I watched as he slowly fell asleep, his eyes drooping with every minute gone by. Once he was out, I whispered a "good night" into his ear and looked around. Seeing that no one was there to witness, I kissed his forehead gently and silently left the room, closing the door softly behind me.

Honestly, as I write this entry, I grow steadily excited as the anticipation for tomorrow builds. I'll finally be able to bring Matthew home and we'll be able to spend the day bonding. As much as I look forward towards my time with the boy, I can't help but wonder how the public will react when they find out that the head detective on the Lotus River case isn't trying to find the killer who's running lose in the city but is spending time with a little boy. On one hand, I need to do the best for Matthew, which is to give him the love and attention he needs, but on the other I also have a duty to the city, protecting its citizens and making sure that this sick bastard is put where he belongs.

I can plainly state that I'm afraid, afraid that if I don't do the right things Matthew could be taken away or I could lose my job. I can only hope that a safe balance between the two will be achieved, hopefully, sooner than later before anything can happen.

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**Yes, new chapter! So, Anime Expo this year was really fun! I ended up wearing my Canada cosplay for all four days since I managed to break my Kakuzu one by accidentally stepping on it with my boot...If any of you guys went, maybe I saw you, who knows? By the way, I'm having my wisdom teeth removed on Wednesday so I'm going to try and update sometime later today.**


	5. May 4, 1973

Learning to Love and Be Loved

_**Edit:**_** How come no one noticed that Gilbert is driving a Prius in 1973? How come _I _didn't notice this? -_-' Well, I changed it. I guess I better be making it more clear about what time period the actual story takes place. **

**Oh yeah, if you guys know anything about the 70's that pertain to everyday life or the technology that was available could you help me and make sure everything is in check? Thanks a super bunch!**

**Sorry this is super late D: With all the pain of the aftermath of having all of my wisdom teeth removed, I really didn't feel like writing. But all that's behind me now so here is the next chapter!**

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_May 4, 1973_

It's here! It's finally here and now is almost over! Today had to be one of the happiest moments of my life! He's finally here with me! Of course, now that he _is_ here in my awesome home, I realize that maybe I should get a move on cleaning the extra room out, I mean, I can't really sleep on the couch forever you know…Oh, and I need to invest in a car for the both of us, even though I'm more of a motorcycle kind of guy…maybe a truck or something fast would do…

Ahhhhh…I'm so in bliss right now, so much that instead of writing I want to sit here and drown in the good feeling that surrounds me, plus I'm not writing in what one could call coherent sentences.

Although I'll probably never forget this day in my life, I guess I should write down what took place on this awesome day in history, just in case. Let's see, I guess I should start from this morning…

You know those days where you know something good happens, like on Christmas Day, for example, and you get up super early just because you're so excited? Yeah, today was one of those days. I ended up waking at the ungodly hour of five thirty AM. With nothing to do but sit and stare at the clock until seven thirty when I left for work, I reasoned that maybe I should clean up the apartment, after all, I didn't want Matthew coming home to an already soiled home. I got up and dressed in a nice white shirt (my only one too) and some nice, unworn jeans. The first room I started with was my room, as it was the messiest.

Let me just say that it took a good hour to clean my space. I can proudly say that the experience was not the most horrible experience I ever had. I even managed to find a few things I had been looking for, but that's beside the point. Somehow, I even pulled off getting the floors clean to the point where they're actually visible, glisten like diamonds, and have the nice piney smell (man I'm good!).

As I admired the now sparkling wooden floorboards, the phone rang shrilly from the kitchen. Thinking that it was the hospital calling about picking Matthew up, I ran as fast as I could to the kitchen. When I picked up the phone, all my happiness died when I heard the tenor of my brother's voice.

I felt my face fall into a frown and I began to glare daggers into the wall as my brother droned on about how I needed to get to the riverbed off Hickory Street ASAP. They had found yet another body along the river. Hearing the news, my hard glare softened as a mixed feeling of sadness, understanding, and frustration began to course through my veins. It's hard to feel annoyed when you hear news like that. And here I thought that today Mr. I'm Going to Kill the Youth of the City would have taken a break.

After promising my brother that I'd be at the scene in ten minutes, I hung up the phone. Well, I thought, there goes my one chance at cleaning the house. I hoped that Matthew wouldn't mind the mess. At least the bedroom was clean…

I made it to the crime scene just before the hoards of reporters came blazing in, just barely mind you. (I swear, they were chasing me ever since I left my apartment complex.) I was totally thankful for that too. As much as I love the way I look, I don't want to be on national television being thrown questions that I really don't want to answer or have that dirty microphone that's been shoved into god knows how many other people's countenances being flashed at my gorgeous face. Just thinking about it makes me shutter.

As quickly as I could, and avoiding as many reporters that dared grace me with their presence, I made my way to where Ludwig was waiting. He took me to the taped off area where the body was discovered, far into the riverbed and close to the actual running water.

When we reached the area, I was surprised that someone had even discovered the body. The area was covered in tall plants, plants close to cattails and other tall marshy vegetation. The height of the brush completely covered the body and any passerby could have easily overlooked the area. The only way to really notice that something was hidden in the brush is if a person was in a boat on the river. But even then, the body would be hidden, unless…unless something was hanging out like an arm or leg...

I looked back at where Ludwig and I had traveled from and noticed that all of the surrounding brush stood up, meaning that the person who dumped the body hadn't come from a land source. If he did, patches from where he stepped as he walked would have been pushed down creating holes in the landscape, drawing more attention to the dumping ground.

Examining the body, I found that it was a male this time, around sixteen, shoulder length brown hair, eyes closed and throat slashed. Everything matched the River Killer's typical MO. Again, like all the others, we found no identification on the body or even in the surrounding river area. As sad as it was, for now we only knew him as victim #5. Just a picture, and a number, much like the other bodies we've found so far.

Sighing, I made a mental note of everything I saw, position of the body, the condition of the surrounding area, etc and moved out of the way so the forensics team could take pictures and search the area for anything useful. Together, my brother and I walked back to where the force had made a makeshift camp to discuss what would happen as the day went on. As we sat there on the benches that someone had the right mind of setting up, the tension floating between us and the other officers who were there as well was so thick, I felt like I couldn't breathe properly. Wanting to at least break the thickness a little, I turned to my brother and said, "I need to borrow your car."

He faced me with his 'WTF this is not the time' look but I pressed on, unaffected by the glare. After all, he's used it so many times on me, I've built up a strong immunity to the "glare of death"

"Please?" I asked (the awesome me does not beg), "I really, really need it for when I pick up Matthew today! All I have is the motor bike and I'm pretty sure he won't want to ride it."

"Brother! This isn't the time to be talking about this! We need to focus on the task we have right now!" Ludwig's face scrunched up into one of frustration.

"But Ludwig" I started to whine using my extra whiny voice, "I'm picking up Matthew in about..." I checked my watch, "one hour! I need a car!"

I watched as my brother became uncomfortable, his thought process being projected on his face as he weighed each of his options.

"Fine. But how will I get home?"

I brightened as my brother finally caved in. "Well, if you still have your bike license you can take the bike. But if you don't, you're the head of the police force, I'm sure you can bend some rules."

I give him one of those playful smiles that I can conjure up and I watch, amusedly, as my brother starts to sputter at my suggestion. Reaching into his pockets, I take the car keys and swap them with the bike's. I pat his shoulder as he collapses onto a bench, head in his hands, muttering about how it was such a bad idea to give me the keys. Checking my watch, I realized that it was eleven thirty and that if I wanted to be there at the hospital by twelve, I'd have to leave then.

Thanking my brother, and sending him a little wave, I walk past the stunned police officers who witnessed our little charade and make my way to the blue bodied, black striped '69 Camaro that my brother owned (which really amazed me...I better get a better car than him!). I buckled my seatbelt and started the car, quickly driving off to my apartment first to pick up some clothes for Matthew from that box I had received from the social security guy.

When I arrived at the hospital around noon, I parked the car in the closest space I could find, grabbed some of Matthew's clothes, and ran into the main hospital reception room. There, I greeted the usual lady behind the desk and made my way to Matthew's room. I opened the door and found him sitting in his bed, Kumajirou in his arms, watching the small TV that was place against the wall in his room.

"Matthew!" I remember calling.

He looked over and smiled at me, all the while pointing at the TV screen. Curious as to what he was watching I briskly walked over (I did not skip…ok maybe a little) and looked at the monitor. It was the news and there I was, with Ludwig, on the screen as the shot zoomed in on the body from this morning being carried away.

Two things flashed through my mind. One was OH MY GOD! THEY LET CHILDREN SEE THIS HORRIFIC THING IN HERE? And more specifically THEY LET MATTHEW SEE THIS? The other was WHAT THE HELL! HOW DID THEY GET THAT FOOTAGE? THEY WEREN'T EVEN ALLOWED THERE!

Of course being the cool, calm, and collected guy I am, nobody could tell that this was going on.

As we sat there and watched the news, more eagerly on Matthew's part and me wanting to cover his eyes with my hands, the doctor opened the door and had walked inside. He coughed, successfully startling me and somehow getting my attention. I got up, leaving Matthew alone as he continued to be fixated on the TV, and met with the doctor. He gave me some papers that I quickly signed, getting enough practice at the office, and said that we were free to go.

From that point to right now as I write this entry, I have been in pure bliss (just wanting everyone to know beforehand). As the doctor left, I ran up to the little boy and pulled him into a hug. He seemed startled and tense at first but then quickly relaxed. I turned off the TV and proceeded to show him the clothes I had brought from the apartment. A flash of recognition of the articles crossed his eyes as he reached to take them from my hands. While he put on the garments, I looked away, wanting to give him his privacy and when I turned back around, I noticed he had on a red shirt and dark blue jeans.

I waited by the door as he searched through the bedding to see if he had left anything. Once he was finished, Matthew ran up to me, happiness shining on his face, Kumajirou in his hands. We then proceeded to leave the freakishly, constantly sterilized, white walled building together.

For the rest of the day, Matthew and I spent time bonding together. Among the things we did was venture out into the city's older town and visit the little shops, stopping only to get ice cream and gaze at various objects that attracted our interests inside the stores. As we wandered along, we came across one of the city's fairly large green parks. Matthew stopped suddenly as we walked by and I noticed him gazing at the swings, longingly. I knew he hadn't had much physical activity for a while and I thought "What the hell."

I looked down at Matthew, catching his attention. I smiled as he smiled back at me, eagerness at playing in the park plain on his face. I remember suddenly saying "Race ya!" and together we made a mad dash for the unoccupied swing set. I totally beat him, but if you asked him he'd probably tell you otherwise.

In total we probably spent a good two hours at the park, not only on the swings but running around and chasing each other on the green grass. When we finally tuckered out, we collapsed on the green grass, laughing all the way down until we hit the earth. When I looked back at my fallen companion, Matthew was radiating so much happiness and joy that he glowed like a second sun and I was blinded for a short moment. I knew at that point that I didn't want the moment to end.

After our lovely time in the park, I decided to take Matthew out for dinner at this local French café by the apartment. He seemed to enjoy the food, although, I noticed him nodding off quite a bit throughout the meal. Once I paid the bill, I gathered Matthew into my arms, as he had fallen asleep in the booth as soon as he was done eating, and I loaded him into the car.

When we reached the apartment, I carried the sleeping child into my clean bedroom and laid him on the bed. As quickly and quietly as I could, I covered him up with the sheets and blankets, placing Kumajirou in his arms. I watched amusedly as he subconsciously rolled over towards the bear and nuzzled the pillow. Whispering a "Good night," I closed the bedroom door and found myself making a makeshift bed where I am right now, on the sofa.

My one regret today is that the day has ended. I wish I could have stopped time when Matthew was so blissful and overjoyed at the park. He was so full of life and it was as if all the traumatic things that happened to him never occurred. Tomorrow, however, will be the start of a new day, a day where I have to take Matthew to the special school, to the psychiatrist, to people he probably doesn't want to see. Although I don't want to see him hurt, my drive for him to get better is stronger. He _needs_ to get better and the only way for him to have a happy somewhat normal life is if he suffers through the therapy now. Maybe…Maybe I'm just over thinking all of this, worrying for no good reason…

If only life would be as good as it was today, everyday. Everything so pure and innocent, where I didn't have to constantly think of the horrors that play about in the world and where I have to bear witness to what terrible things a human can do to another. Only me and Matthew, Matthew and I. No work, no worry, no having to be wary of all the evil there is in the world, threatening to taint all that is pure. If only time never marched on continuously. If only life could stand still, even for a moment. If only…

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**So...Who do you think should be the serial killer? I want a person who can blend in with society by day and that no one suspects is killing all the people. I have an idea of who I'll place but I'm curious to what you guys think. Oh and by the way, just as a reminder, it can't be Ivan since he's already awaiting trial. **


	6. May 5, 1973

Learning to Love and Be Loved

**I want to thank everyone for your lovely advice and I especially want to give a super thanks to candy4yourEYEZ for letting me use your awesome idea. Thanks again everybody! :D**

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_May 5, 1973_

Today had to be the worst Saturday ever, like _THE _worst one. I was really, really hoping that I was going to sleep in today. Just a little, since most of my sleep has been eaten up by the recent murders. But no, I _had_ to get that phone call at twelve in the morning and I _had _to hear Ludwig's booming voice commanding me to get up and get myself down to the river once more. Great, just great. Stupid Ludwig and his ability to automatically wake up when need be.

I almost walked out of the door when I remembered that I'm no longer the sole occupant of the apartment. I personally blame it on the sleepy daze of being woken up at twelve in the morning and not on actually forgetting about Matthew. Rushing upstairs to my room as fast as I could, I found Matthew still asleep under the covers. I felt absolutely terrible but I had to wake him up and take him with me since I didn't know how long I was going to be at the crime scene. Plus, I didn't want him to be alone in the apartment as well.

I shook his shoulder and whispered his name in his ear. Slowly, he became more alive and aware of his surroundings and when he opened his sleepy eyes, I told him that he needed to get dressed because we were going somewhere. Almost sloth like, he slowly sat up and rose out of bed all the while I was searching for clothes that he could wear.

In the end, I handed him a white shirt, a pair of blue jeans, and his red hooded sweater. As fast as he could at twelve in the morning, he pull each article of clothing on and as we rushed out of the bedroom, I grabbed his pillow, Kumajirou, and a blanket so that he could still sleep in the car.

When we were both in the car and exiting the garage, I noticed that Matthew was sleepily staring out the window, face contorted into a small grumpy expression which screamed "It's still dark outside! Why did you wake me up?". I laughed at his appearance and when he heard the sound he turned to face me and pouted. He was soooo cute looking! I wanted to grab him and smother him in a hug but I was the one driving and unless I wanted to risk both of our lives, I kept my feelings to myself.

Sometime over the twenty minute drive over there, Matthew fell asleep. I happened to notice when I looked over to the passenger seat sometime during our drive. When I had parked the car near the crime scene and had exited the car, I made my way to his side so I could move him into the back seat. The sight of him resting in the passenger chair was endearing and I wanted to cry out at Matthew's cuteness but I didn't want to risk my awesome image and reputation if one of the lesser cops saw me gushing over my charge (and besides, I would've felt awful if I had woke him up a second time). In theend, I just picked him up bridal style and placed him in the back seat of the car, making sure that his head was on the pillow I placed there earlier and Kuma still in his grasp.

Once Matthew was settled, I found the trail of yellow crime scene tape and I followed it. The tape took me into a more swampy part of the river where there were more reeds, crabs, and other marshy organisms than on any other part of the river.

I quickly found my brother amidst the chaos of a crime scene and he briefed me in on what had happened so far.

He explained that the man who found the new body was a crab fisherman and that he was going out to set his traps. My brother pointed to the small grassy island out in the middle of a wider part of the river where the body was found. The fisherman, he said, was going down that exact part of the river and it took him directly past the island. As he was passing the sand bank of the island, he saw the legs of the victim sticking out of the grass. He knew he had to contact the police so he drove the boat back to the starting river bank and found a pay phone.

As soon as Ludwig finished, I turned and looked at the old man who found the newest body. I felt kind of bad for him since he was shaking a little and is probably scarred for life. I walked up to him and asked if he would take us to the body in his boat. He agreed so Ludwig and I hopped into his small watercraft and crossed the river to the sandbar where the body was laying.

Once there, I noticed that the victim was about twelve, male, and really skinny. His skin was kind of sickly looking too, like an off colored unnatural white. I know he was dead but still, even the other dead bodies didn't have that sickly pale color. He also had the telltale slash across the throat as well, showing that he was truly a part of our growing victim count for the same serial killer.

As some forensic people came and took the body away in their own boat, I scoured the surrounding grassy area looking for clues or anything of that matter that would point us in the right direction. We needed something that would help the case along as it was lagging in the evidence department (bodies only get you so far).

At that moment, I turned my head to look at something in the reeds, I can't even remember now, and I saw a flash of red. Strapping on some rubber gloves, I bent down to pick the mysterious source of color up and discovered that it was a long red ribbon. Huh…a ribbon, I thought to myself and I took not of the long strands of hair clinging to the fibers of the band. I turned back around and faced the forensic team and my brother.

"You!" I said, pointing to a random, young, forensic team member. "Com' ere and put this into an evidence bag." He looked scared at my command (he must have been a newbie) and shyly came over, placing the long red ribbon into a clear bag that read EVIDENCE across the top. He then put that bag into a larger yellowish padded envelope thing that also read EVIDENCE on the top.

Once the body and whatever evidence we had was loaded onto the forensics team's boat, my brother and I hopped back onto the fisherman's water craft and together we headed back to the main shore. As we traveled, I checked my watch noticing it was just about six in the morning. I did a double take just to make sure and sure enough, it was six. I hoped that Matthew wasn't awake and lonely…

When we made it to shore, I jumped off the boat and ran as fast as I could to the car. I peeked into the back seat and to my horror, Matthew was gone. I almost screamed. Horrible thoughts of what happened to my boy started to race through my head and I frantically began searching the surrounding area, calling his name. In my state of panic, I almost didn't hear the shrill scream coming from the river bank I had just arrived from with the rest of the team.

Racing back to the river, I saw Ludwig, on the ground on his hands and knees with something squirming and kicking underneath him. I ran over to the two and threw my brother off the fallen figure who by now had stopped moving. To my terror, I discovered that the figure was indeed Matthew, lying on his back in the crumpled grass, body completely still. The pupils of his eyes were wide in fear, tears streaming down his face. His mouth was open a little and he just lay there, frozen, as if he was waiting for something to happen. As carefully as I could, I picked him up bridal style off the grass and I softly called his name. No response. By now there was a crowd of the other officers surrounding my brother, Matthew, and myself.

I was scared. Matthew was still unresponsive to everything around him. Even my voice, which he normally responds to, wasn't enough to break him out of the trance he was in. I decided to take him to the camp site some of the officers had set up. It was a shaded area with some benches and chairs. All the way over there, I talked to Matthew hoping that the sound of my voice would snap him out of whatever he was trapped in.

When we reached the base camp, I laid the now unconscious boy down on a bench. His breathing was somewhat even and I could tell that he was asleep. Yet even still, tears streamed down his face and I couldn't help but wonder what had happened to the boy. He was probably reliving some horrible experience he had while being held captive by Ivan.

As I sat with Matthew, my brother came to see me. He said wanted to apologize for what had happened even though in my head I knew it probably wasn't his fault. I asked him to tell me everything that happened since I wasn't there to witness the whole thing.

He explained that when he had gotten off the boat a little after me and had started walking to the base camp. He stated that he wasn't really paying attention to where he was walking as he went along the trail. Suddenly, something dashed out of the bush and hit him, full run and knocked him over. Then the screaming and kicking started. Too stunned to move, he stayed in his position until I had come over and threw him off.

I honestly didn't have anything to say to my brother when he was finished. Luckily, we were saved from an incredibly awkward moment when Matthew started to stir from his makeshift bed on the bench. I watched as he slowly opened his eyes and rubbed at them with his small hands. When he was fully awake, he looked around at his surroundings and when he spotted my brother and myself, he smiled at us and waved us over. He seemed unaffected by Ludwig's presence, which startled me, even though it was my brother he had the episode with.

Once I obtained Matthew's full attention, I gestured to Ludwig and said "Matthew, this is my brother Ludwig. I probably haven't introduced you to him so yeah…He's going to be your uncle while you're with me, got it?" He nodded his head while Ludwig walked over to him and awkwardly patted his head. I wish I had a camera. The image of my brother patting Matthew's head was too cute.

Anyway, after Matthew recovered from his episode, he, Ludwig and I left the crime scene (we were done anyway) and went out to get something to eat. It was seven o'clock and we had been up for a good seven hours already. Not to mention, none of us had anything to nibble on for those seven hours.

As Ludwig drove his own car, I sat in the passenger seat while Matthew sat alone in the back with his bear, blanket and pillow. I gazed out the passenger window as we drove to our usual breakfast spot, a small mom and pop diner (the one where I had yet to take Matthew), and that's when I spotted it.

It was a flaming red 1970 Chevrolet Chevelle hardtop coupe with two bold white stripes running down the hood of the car. What made the car even better was the little sign that said FOR SALE right in the back window. I yelled at my brother to stop the car, successfully scaring him out of skin as he stomped on the breaks and almost caused a huge accident with the cars behind us. Unfortunately for Matthew, nobody told him what was going on and he managed to go flying into the back of my seat when my brother had hit the brakes.

When he found a parking spot and had stopped the car, I thanked my brother and jumped out, running to where I had seen the Chevelle. I copied the phone number on the For Sale sign and ran back to the car, grinning like a mad man all the way there. Satisfied, we took off again and managed to reach the small, cozy restaurant without any other incidences, thankfully.

I have to say, breakfast was…rather interesting. I have never seen someone put so much maple syrup on a small stack of pancakes. Matthew practically emptied the whole bottle and then some onto those cakes. The bottom two pancakes of the three stack were submerged under the goopy sugary stuff. It was amusing, however, to watch my brother gape at Matthew as he began to happily eat his now soggy and saturated hotcakes, syrup dripping down the corners of his mouth and chin.

After breakfast, all three of us happily full, we made our way back to the station. All the way there, I thought about how I was supposed to keep Matthew entertained for the whole day. How _do_ you keep a ten year old entertained for a few good hours? By the time we got there to the station I had come up with zero ways to keep Matthew from becoming bored. However, I got the biggest light bulb ever once we entered the double doors of the station.

As the three of us walked in, Matthew and I had to jump out of the way as my brother was suddenly tackled down by fast moving blur. Once the two were on the ground, the blur turned out to be a familiar hyperactive, brown haired Italian who enjoys screaming "PASTAAAAA!" at the top of his lungs. Oh Feli, your antics never get old…

Feliciano Vargas and my brother have a very…unique relationship. I swear, Ludwig is oblivious to the fact that he probably cares way more about the Italian than he's aware of.(COUGH COUGH HE LOVES HIM COUGH COUGH) If only someone could knock some sense into his head. Oh well…I just know it ain't gonna be me.

So back to what I was saying before. Once both Ludwig and Feliciano were back on their feet, I tapped the Italian on the shoulder. He turned around and smiled at me almost screaming a "HI GILBERT" but I quickly shushed him so it came out a bit softer. I asked him if he would like to do me a favor, a really big favor. He nodded, very enthusiastically I should add, and was excited to know what the favor was. That's when I nudged out Matthew, who had been previously shyly hiding behind me. When Feli saw Matthew, he screamed out how cute he was, scaring the boy even more and causing him to hid his face in my legs.

I to reassure Matthew a few times that Feli wasn't going to hurt him and that the other would play with him and keep him company until around one. Matthew gave me the saddest look I have ever seen when I told him that I had to leave and I almost felt bad enough to the point where I was contemplating on changing my mind. In the end, Matthew caved in and slowly walked over to the unfamiliar person who was Feliciano. Feli grabbed Matthew's hand and they made their way to the exit. I watched as the two left and headed in the direction of the nearest park, waving a small goodbye to Matthew when he turned to look at me.

After I let Matthew go, I went to my desk, all the while praying that Feli won't screw up Matthew mind even more than it already is. Once at my desk, I reached for my black phone and dialed the number of the person who was selling the Chevelle using the paper I had written the number on. It rang about three times before someone actually picked up. I had a pleasant conversation with the person which ended up with me buying the car. I told them that I would come by around two to fill out all the legal work and pick up the vehicle. They gave me a short "alright" and hung up the phone.

So, with the car buying process finished, I had to get to the task at hand, which was finding the bastard who kept killing all these kids. I exited my office and called a meeting for everyone who was working the case, which included bringing all of the files with evidence and general information.

As soon as I was in the meeting room, I grabbed the stack of photos of the victims someone had left out from a previous meeting and began taping them to the chalk board. As I looked at the photos I became aware that the six victims stared back at me. Young faces full of life watched me with their unmoving eyes, smiling as if they didn't have a care in the world. I felt as if the children were going to remove themselves from the photos and grab at me, commanding me to find the person who did this to them. It was frightening to say the least.

When the meeting started and everyone had arrived, I asked the team if they had found out anything about the victims, their names, whether or not any of them had families, where they went to school, their friends, anything useful like that. To my shock and displeasure, no one had found out anything. I totally blew my head off my shoulders and I remember screaming and yelling about how useless the team was if they couldn't find something as simple as the victims' names.

One of the people on the case, a guy named Eduard, tried to submit what he had found and stated that it was like the children never existed. He said that he and another colleague, I think his name was Raivis, scoured over missing persons documents for the past few days seeing if anyone had reported any of the children missing. Obviously they had found nothing.

I had to take several deep breaths to calm myself down before I exploded into another person's face. Once I was calm again, I pulled out from the box of evidence someone had brought in, the ribbon, in it's clear plastic bag. I explained that the victim where the ribbon was found was male so the ribbon probably didn't belong to him. There were also hair strands found stuck in the ribbon as well, long dark hair strands I should add.

After the ribbon, we discussed as a group the type of knife the murderer probably uses and how they manage to transport the bodies without being seen or heard. The meeting overall was stressful and everyone started to grate on everyone else's nerves.

It was around twelve forty five when the meeting door slammed open and the freaked out yelling of a familiar Italian's voice halted the meeting as everyone turned to face the now open door. I could tell that almost every person was surprised, as this unknown little blonde boy ran into the room to hug their head detective.

Once Matthew was standing right in front of me, arms outstretched for a hug, I bent down and gave him one as an apology for leaving him with Feli for the afternoon. Once we were finished with his hug, I told him that he had to wait for me outside the room while we had our meeting. He looked so heartbroken as he pouted and used his large eyes to his advantage, making my heart break a little further with each passing second.

Feeling a little bad (ok a lot), I looked at my watch and decided that the meeting should finish on time at one, even though we had hardly hit on anything and that it should have run for another thirty minutes. I turned to the other officers in the room and announced that the meeting was over and the next one will be scheduled sometime next week. Everyone let out a sigh of relief and gathered their things as I grabbed Matthew's smaller hand in my larger one. Together we walked out of the room (I could feel everyone's eyes on us again as we did so) to pester my brother into taking us to pick up our new car.

To make this shorter, I'll just briefly describe the rest. So, once again in the same day, the three of us pilled into Ludwig's car and drove off into the direction of the diner we at breakfast at. Once I saw the red Chevelle, Ludwig found a parking spot and as I walked up to the apartment complex where the person lived, Matthew right on my heels.

When I got to the correct apartment place, I knocked on the door and was let in by a man. The two of us got to work filling out the legal papers as Matthew calmly watched from another chair at the table we sat at. Once we were done, I wrote the guy a check for the right amount while he handed me the keys. As soon as we finished, Matthew and I met back up with Ludwig and transferred the blankets and pillows that I had stuffed into the car this morning into our new (for us) Chevelle. I bid Ludwig goodbye while Matthew waved and we drove off back to our humble home.

The rest of the day was pretty plain after we arrived back at the apartment. It was around four in the afternoon so I started working on clearing out the back room. After about thirty minutes, Matthew came in and started to help, I assume because he was lonely. It was quite comical to watch him clean since he managed to get covered in dust after falling into a rather large box very early on. I laughed a little and he did his adorable little pout, trying not to sneeze all the while.

At around six, we stopped working for the day, as we were both exhausted. We were able to make enough space in the room for a bed (one that I don't have at the moment…) so I guess tomorrow we'll finish cleaning all of it out. Then Matthew can have his own space and I won't have to sleep on the couch…

We ate a small dinner, only after Matthew took a shower, consisting of whatever I had leftover from the week in the fridge. Once that was finished, we cleaned the dishes and prepared for bed.

Uhhh…I'm really tired. I guess it's because we've been up for so long. Yeah. I'll just leave it at that for today. Oh, and before I forget, Matthew starts going to that special school on Monday. I hope he likes it…I probably have to take him early too…Ehhh, I'll think about it tomorrow, even though it's Sunday.

* * *

**Ok, I'm totally sorry that this is like the most boring chapter so far. I promise you it'll get more exciting in the next one since I'm skipping Sunday and going straight into Monday, which means Matthew's going to school. Oh and BTW the next chapter is very important, VERY, VERY important. I just won't tell you why. It might take a while though to be posted though. I'm packing and getting ready to go to college (I'm leaving in three weeks) so that's kind of priority right now but who knows, maybe I'll finish packing super early (hopefully)!**

**Anyway, remember, if you see any mistakes, grammar wise or anything, don't hesitate to tell me! :D  
**


	7. May 7, 1973

Learning to Love and Be Loved

**Angelique = ****Seychelles**

**Bella= Belgium**

**Yeah...I'm pretty sure you'll know who the others are but if you don't feel free to ask.  
**

* * *

_May 7, 1973_

So…it's Monday…I totally didn't write anything on Sunday but I'm not really complaining. There wasn't much to write about anyway. Matthew and I managed to clean out the extra bedroom (there sure was a lot of crap in there…) and buy him some wooden furniture at the local furnishing shop. He now has a nice new bed and a new dresser plus a book shelf and a desk (thank goodness for spring sales). I didn't even get a call from the department about a new body. Seems like the killer decided to take Sunday off (thank goodness)…

Anyway, today (Monday) was Matthew's first day at…what should I call it? A private school? No, that's not right…I'll just call it a special school. Yeah, that'll work. It was his first day at the special school. So, I woke him up around six forty five and had him get dressed while I prepared a delicious breakfast of pancakes drowned in maple syrup, since he loves it. Plus, I wanted him to be happy on his first day of school and therapy. On our way out, I made sure he grabbed his red backpack filled with supplies and together we loaded up our awesome car.

The drive to the school wasn't that bad, about fifteen minutes. It's actually pretty close to the apartment. When we arrived, I pulled into this small parking lot that contained only a few cars. As I exited out of the car, I looked around at the building I assumed was to school. I noticed a somewhat taller building behind it which looked more like an apartment complex than a school. For a brief second, I wondered what it's use was but I quickly dispelled any ideas I had as Matthew and I made our way to the entrance of the school.

While we entered the front office of the school, I noticed a woman sitting behind the front desk, chewing gum and looking quite bored. As I began staring at her, I started to feel that I knew her somehow, which by the way gave me the creeps. It was as if I had a bad case of déjà vu. She looked up suddenly, and I could tell that she felt me staring. With a somewhat bored yet pissed off face, she asked "Can I help you?"

I remember only staring at her familiar green eyes and saying "Oh! Uh yeah…I'm here to drop off Matthew. He's new and is supposed to be coming here." I held up his hand so that she could see my little partner.

All of a sudden her mad expression changed, stars began to dance within her eyes. "A new student!" She exclaimed, "Here, let me take you to the principal's office and you can talk with her! I'm sure she'll give you a tour and everything!"

The mysteriously familiar woman led Matthew and myself down a nearby corridor to a larger office situated at the end. She opened the door and told us to have a seat in one of the tropically decorated chairs and that the principal would be here any minute. As we waited, I watched Matthew as he swung his legs to and fro while he sat on the chair, a smile on his face and if he could talk I'm sure he would have been singing.

Suddenly, the door slammed open, scaring us both to the point where we jumped a little in our seats, and a woman with dark brown hair (that was wet as if she had taken a shower) and a simple light blue dress came into the room. When she sat down at her desk she turned to us, surprise written all over her face.

"I-I didn't know that you'd be here so early! I mean I knew you were coming but I didn't know that you'd arrive before school starts."

I looked at her and sent her a confused face. Hadn't been expecting us till later? Who drops their kid off at a new school before they get a tour? Anyway, I turned to look at Matthew, who on the other hand sat still, almost as if he was afraid of the woman (which was and still is odd since he normally gets along with them pretty well). As we sat there, I also noticed that the woman never took her eyes off of him. I was like she was looking at a piece of meat or something. It was kind of unnerving. No wonder Matthew was afraid now that I think about it…

"So" she said to us as she got up and out of her chair. "I am Miss Angelique, principal and teacher here at this school for children in the custody of the state." She held out her hand and I shook it "Now," she said as she inched closer to the door, "I can take you on a tour of the campus if you would like and show you around. Is that ok?"

"Sure that's fine. Right Matthew?" I turned to look at the boy only to find him now cowering behind me, shaking a little as he stared at Miss Angelique. His eyes never left her even as he vice griped my hand when I held it out to him.

"Come on Matthew," I told him as we started walking out the door. "There's nothing to be afraid of." My words did nothing to qualm his fears as he continued to quiver, much like a leaf I should say. We continued on our tour anyway as I tried to not concentrate on what was bothering him so much.

Miss Angelique guided us through and out the office down to a second corridor that had windows overlooking a nice fenced field where I'm assuming the children played when there was time. In the windowed corridor, there were three doors, two on the left side and one on the right. At the first door on the left, she rapped her fisted hand on the glass and slowly turned the knob. "Yekaterina! Are you here?" she called into the lit room.

Suddenly, another female voice called out from the back of the room and quickly another person appeared.

She was of average height, with short blonde hair held back by a blue hair band, and bright blue eyes. She wore a white long sleeved shirt and blue overalls (which I find intriguing but she does teach the little ones) as well. The thing that stuck out the most on her was her uh…how should I put this…her…uh…huge chest. There I said it. Oh my god…ok, I won't write those thoughts that keep running through my head when I think of that woman. Uhh, yeah…back to where I was…So Miss Angelique introduced the two of us to Miss Yekaterina who, as we found out, taught the lower grades which were preschool up to first grade.

When I looked over to Matthew to see how he was doing so far, I could tell that he really liked her (No, not like that!). He would smile at her like how he does to me and if I had to guess, he could probably pick up on what I would say the kindness of her heart.

After we said goodbye to Miss Yekaterina, the Miss Angelique walked us down across the hall to the next door. Like with Miss Yekaterina, she rapt on the glass pane and slowly opened the door calling out a new name. This time it was "Bella! Bella?"

A loud "What!" was heard and a young short haired blonde woman came out. She looked kind of pissed, as if we had disturbed her.

This new woman had wavy blonde hair held back by a red ribbon. When I saw that I ribbon I had to do a double take, making sure that it was the right red. It was. It was the same color as the one we had found. However, this Bella's hair wasn't the right shade or length as the strands we found entangled in the ribbon at that crime scene. I let out a sigh of relief thanking whatever god is up there that Matthew wasn't going to a school with a psychopath as one of the teachers.

After our quick intro to Miss Bella (she teaches second and third) Matthew and I left with Miss Angelique and continued walking down the hallway, passed the third and final door (which she told us was hers and that she teaches fifth and fourth grade) and turned a corner at the end of the hall. There, we were met with another door, but it was located at the end of the passage. As we walked up to the entry, Miss Angelique turned to us and stated, "This is the door that takes you to where the psychologists meet with the children. Matthew here," she pointed to him, "will be meeting with the psychologist in room 110. I'll take you there so you'll know where to go if you need to pick him up or something." (The last part was intended for me, though why I would have to pick up Matthew in his psychologist's office I don't really know…)

She opened the door and let the two of us in while she followed behind us.

"Ok, so it's down the hall and to your left." She instructed us.

When we reached the door, she rapt on the window, much like how she did at the other doors and when she opened the door, she instructed us to go inside and sit in the chairs. We did so and when I looked up at who Matthew's psychologist was I almost threw a hissy fit.

"Mr. Beilschmidt, this is-"

"You!" I totally yelled, pointing at the psychologist sitting behind the wooden desk.

"Beilschmidt" He calmly replied.

"Edelstein" I gritted out. "What the hell are you doing here?"

"What does it look like I'm doing Gilbert? I'm helping the kids. I'm actually doing something good in this community, unlike you. (Hello! Do you not watch TV? I'm freakin' on there every time the stupid case is being discussed! Well, if you ever get murdered I certainly will not investigate your case.) The question should be what are _you _doing here?"

That's when I pointed angrily to Matthew, who was ,by the way, sitting in his chair, oblivious to the tension between me and Mr. Four Eyes (II hope Matthew doesn't take offense, I mean he wears glasses too). Instead, he was swinging his legs again as he sat on the chair, lost in his own little world (probably filled with pancakes and maple syrup).

"Oh. That must be Matthew." Roderich stated as he noticed the boy probably for the first time. "We got word of him a few days ago after Tino and Berwald finished their evaluation."

"So he's going to be your patient right?" I said coldly.

"Yes and Miss Angelique is going to be his teacher" he stated, totally missing the iciness that was in my voice.

After he was done talking, I calmly walked up to Roderich, a sudden anger coursing through me, and grabbed his collar, pulling him closer to my face. "Now you listen here, Roderich, you better fix him," and at this point we were both watching Matthew as he looked around the room still oblivious to us, "and I mean truly fix him or I'm going to kick your ass so hard that you won't be able to function anymore. Got it?"

He nodded furiously, and with that said, I walked over to Matthew. I caught his attention and told him that I had to leave him with Miss Angelique and Four Eyes (I didn't really say that to Matthew but you know what I meant) who were both staring at the two of us from behind the safety of Roderich's wooden desk. Matthew appeared so sad and afraid as he looked over my shoulder at the two people behind me. He shook his head "no" repeatedly and so fast I thought he was going to hurt himself.

"Matthew, I have to leave you here." I told him. "It's only temporary though. I'll come back around three thirty to pick you up and we can go home together. It's like your new school, ok? Don't worry, I'll _always_ come back to get you."

When I finished, he looked like he understood a little about what I was trying to tell him about so he let go of me. I waved good bye to him and I left the room and the school all together, heading straight to the car and thus the office. It was a good ten minute drive without the usual traffic.

When I entered the building, the station was a mess. People were running around, screaming at each other, not to mention papers were flying everywhere. It kind of reminded me of the Wall Street and the stock market with all the chaos going around. I managed to grab some random officer by the collar as he was running by.

"What's going on?" I asked him. "Didn't you hear? Two more bodies were found in two different locations. One team has to go north up the river while the other has to go south east."

"Damn it!" I inwardly groaned. I did not want to think about more dead bodies right now. Plus, not to mention, the case was hitting a brick wall. We had no evidence. What will the media and public think when they find out? More bodies, no evidence, and it looks like the killer is going to keep on killing. What a wonderful way to start the week.

I managed to catch my brother as he was heading out and I asked him which location he was headed to, which the answer was the south east scene. That left me to the scene up north.

I managed to get there pretty fast, but not fast enough to dodge the media, which was busy snapping photos and trying to get the other cops to talk to them. I shrugged them off when they tried to speak to me, ignoring their questions and hiding my face from the cameras. I'm pretty sure I said this before but I'll say it again. As much as I love public attention, I don't want to be seen by the public right now. They probably have a negative view of the investigation department anyways right now since there haven't been any arrests yet. Knowing the public, they say that the failure of the department is mostly my fault, since I'm the head and I run it. But anyway, I managed to quickly get by the prying cameras and nosey reporters faster than I could have hoped and I managed to make my way to where the body was located.

This new body was very intriguing. Unlike the others which had been found in the water, mostly in marshy patches, this body had washed ashore. It was initially different from the other bodies because it was wrapped inside of a few large black plastic bags. The person who found the body had thought that something else was inside, for whatever reason, and managed to rip open the top portion of the heavy duty bags. That's where they found the head of the victim…what a nice Monday morning shock.

I looked inside the manmade hole and saw that the victim was female this time, dressed in a long sleeved pink shirt and a long white skirt. She had lengthy brown hair as well. Like all the others she too had the slice around the neck, showing that she was killed by the same person as the others, and was around the teenage years. Her skin was that sickly color like the child found on…what day was it…Friday? I don't really remember now. Just know that she had the same sickly skin color as that other child.

I took a good look at her clothes and told the forensics team to run a fiber analysis of it, since the material seemed ok for the tests. The results may turn up something so it'd be a good thing to check (that's what I told myself, trying to raise my hopes for locating new evidence).

As she was carried out and into the team's van, I couldn't help but think of how her family would react to when they found out that their daughter was dead. It was so sad and distressing and I felt like hitting my head against a tree or a post just to get the feeling out. To distract myself, I checked my watch and saw that seven hours had gone by so fast and that it was now almost three thirty. Since we were done at the scene and all of the equipment and evidence had been transported away, I decided to go and pick up Matthew.

It took awhile and by the time I reached the school, it was four o'clock. Hopefully, someone was still there to watch him. I walked through the front door again like I had this morning and was met with the same woman from before, not Miss Angelique but the nameless yet somehow recognizable one from the front desk. I walked up to her and said "Hey, do you know where I can pick up my child?"

She gave me this incredulous look and said "Are you one of the foster parents?" I nodded and she pointed down the hall to where the classrooms were located. "All of the foster children stay in Yekaterina's room, where she watches them until they leave. You'll probably want to set up a schedule with her for when you decide to pick up the child. Just for future reference you know."

"Oh, ok." I stated back to her. "Thanks for your help Miss…"

"Miss Elizabeta."…No way…

I gasped and suddenly she became a face in my memory from long ago. "Elizabeta Héderváry?" "Yes. That's my full name." "I haven't seen you in years! It's me, Gilbert." She too gasped and suddenly we had a conversation started. "Oh my god it is you! I haven't seen you in forever!" "Yeah, the last time was when we graduated high school and you managed to hit me in the head with a frying pan." "I remember that. Good times…good times." "Yeah…" The conversation had turned somewhat interesting but I had glanced at the clock on the wall and noticed it was now four ten. "Well, I promised Matthew that I would pick him up around three thirty. He's probably wondering where I am. It was really nice seeing you again, Elizabeta, and thanks for pointing out where to go." "No problem! It was nice seeing you too!" she yelled back at me as I walked down to Yekaterina's room.

When I entered the room, there were children running everywhere. Some were playing with toys, others doing crafts at the tables and the rest were doing god knows what. I walked in and spied Miss Yekaterina sitting at her desk observing the children. I walked over and tapped her on the shoulder and said "Hi, I'm here to pick up Matthew." "Oh! The cute quiet one right? The new child?" I nodded my head. "Ok, let me go get him."

I watched as she opened a back door that led, surprisingly, to that outdoor courtyard/playground area that was visible from the windows in the corridor. She pulled out a walkie talkie and spoke to someone on the radio, who I assume was either Miss Bella or Miss Angelique. She turned to me and said that Matthew was playing outside and that he'll be here shortly.

As we waited, I talked to Miss Yekaterina and I told her that I would come and pick Matthew up around this time every day. She smiled and nodded her head, pulling out a notepad and jotting the information down. She gave me a thanks for letting her know and I gave her a nod. Together, while we waited, we started up a conversation.

Suddenly, as Miss Yekaterina and I were talking, I felt something hit me and the next thing I knew, I was falling to the ground and landing with a loud "THUMP" sound right on the hard carpet. When I opened my eyes I saw Matthew, smiling at me and hugging me. I guess he really did miss me. Afterwards, we left the building together, Matthew waving a goodbye to Miss. Yekaterina.

I was originally planning to take him back to office but instead I called it quits for today and together we went out to eat at this mom and pop restaurant that had really good fried chicken. Once we returned to the apartment, it was time for Matthew to get ready for bed. Once he was done brushing his teeth I tucked him in and gave him a "good night" as well as a kiss on the forehead (Shhhh, don't tell anybody) as he quickly fell asleep.

You know, at first I wasn't going to write this entry and I didn't, since I went right to bed after tucking in Matthew. That soon changed though for I had the most horrible dream.

All I could see were those children, the victims, necks leaking blood, swamp matter clinging to their hair and bodies. They reached out to me calling my name and in fear I ran from them. As I was running, I would look back over my shoulder and see them chasing me, screaming "Help us! Help us! Why won't you help us?" In the end, they eventually caught me as they were too fast for my slower body. They clung to my arms, body and legs as they drug me deep into the swampy marsh they had come from, all the while screaming their chant of "Help us! Help us! Help us!" Right as my face was covered in the swampy mud, I jolted awake in bed. I sat up, my body covered in sweat, and panted loudly.

That dream, that horrible, horrible dream. I remember grabbing my hair as I looked down at my sheets, the images of the bloody swampy children danced across my bedding. After I calmed down, I realized that now I'm afraid to sleep. What if their spirits do come and take me to their swampy underworld? What would happen? What would happen to Matthew? Oh god, I don't want to think about it. I'll just try to get some rest and hope for the better.

* * *

**Yay new chapter! So...can you guess who the killer is? I've got everything planned out for this part of the story. Part two of the story will happen after the killer is caught so yeah, something to look forward to :D**

**Oh yeah! If anything is confusing or you just don't get it, tell me and I'll explain everything, just not the ending.  
**


	8. May 21, 1973

Learning to Love and Be Loved

**The fun is just beginning...**

* * *

_May 21, 1973_

It's been two weeks. TWO WEEKS since I've had enough free time to actually write in this journal. What can I say? Work's been hell on earth. _HELL. ON. EARTH_. Almost every day it's a phone call, sometimes early in the morning, late in the evening, hell sometimes it's during lunch hour (My one break!). And they all say the same thing: "A new body has been found at the bank of the river."

Over and over and over again, like a broken record, like an endless cycle. There's no escaping it. I feel trapped, helpless even. The bodies just keep coming, piling up on every stretch of river bank we've got. You know how many people he's killed? Fourteen. _Fourteen. _Fourteen _children._ What kind of sick bastard would do this? Fourteen lives, snuffed out before they even started, before anything meaningful could have happened in their lives. Oh god, and there's nothing we can do about it since we don't have squat.

The only thing we do have are bodies. Fourteen dead, broken bodies.

Between all the crap that's been going on at the station and finding all the of the corpses, I haven't been able to spend quality time with Matthew. I think he believes that I don't love him or that I'm forgetting him, much like his older parents. The thing is, and I know I sound like I'm making up excuses, I'm not. I'm under so much pressure to try and find this person, this monster, that it eats up all my time. It's like if I'm not at the station, I'm at a crime scene. If I'm not there, I'm on my way back to the station. It's horrible. It never ends, much like the endless inky darkness of space.

Oh god, and don't get me started with the whole S.S. worker showing up at my doorstep on Saturday the thirteenth. I made sure that I was back home all day that day and that I looked presentable. I had bags under my eyes and I hadn't taken a shower for at least three days. When I did get home at like nine in the morning, Matthew tried to give me a hug. I had Ludwig distract him and hold him off since I didn't want him to smell as bad as I did when the person came over. I quickly showered and finished dressing just in time to hear the doorbell ring. I raced down the stairs, telling Matthew to sit on the couch in the living area, as I opened the door. By then Ludwig had already left to return to his place.

The S.S. worker was incredibly young looking. He was kind of short and had silvery grey hair, just like me, and bluish/purple eyes. He wore a brown jacket, white shirt and ribbon tie, as well as white boots and brown pants. I invited him in and together we sat in the living room with Matthew.

The three of us sat in an unnerving silence. I would stare at anything but the man in front of me while he just sat there, staring straight forward at anything that was there before his face, which was my head. I could feel his eyes searching my features for any sign of weakness. Matthew, on the other hand, was oblivious to the other man and the tension in the room fiddled with Kumajirou's hair, straightening it, brushing it backwards, stuff like that.

As the minutes ticked by, I began to grow nervous. He still hadn't taken his eyes off my face. It was as if he was trying to stare holes into my head or something. To break the tension, I pulled a question out of my ass, hoping that he would remove his cold gaze away from me. "Would you like something to drink?" I offered him. He shook his head no and resumed staring.

It took twenty minutes for him to stop with his "analysis" of me with his eyes. He then turned and asked Matthew a few yes or no questions (mostly about how happy he was, if I was treating him well, stuff like that). Once he was finished, he left, saying that he'll be back next month for another analysis.

On my list of most terrifying things I have ever faced, that man and the experience as a whole, had to be within the top ten. Uhhhhh...I shutter every time I think about it. I hope I didn't come off as some person who doesn't care for their child or something. The man could have told me something, anything would have helped dispel this anxiety I had over the whole evaluation thing.

Anyway, I have Ludwig,(Ludwig! The most awkward child caretaker in the world!), picking up Matthew and taking him back to our home because he's under less pressure than I am. He doesn't work too much on the murders like I do. Although, maybe he is under a lot of pressure. He is the captain after all. He probably just doesn't show it. Anyway, he's even been staying the night at my place, (though he's probably sleeping in my bed…) so that there's always someone there for Matthew. He even takes him to school.

I feel like such a jerk for not being there for Matthew. Ludwig's been saying that he's making progress with school and his therapy. Especially his therapy. He's been having less nightmares and flashbacks than before as of recently, so that's a really good sign. As much as I'd hate to admit it, it looks like Roderich is doing a pretty fine job. The only problem he has yet to fix is Matthew's inability to talk.

Along with all the good things my brother has said, the most disheartening thing he had to tell me was that Matthew really misses me. "He looks out the window and waits for you. For hours, Gilbert, for hours. He'll just sit there by the window, staring out at the walk way. Sometimes, he won't come over to eat and I end up have to bring the plates to him. Then he'll still ignore it." He told me all of this one afternoon last week. Wow…I really am a jerk.

But that was last week and now everything has changed (Wow, a Monday I actually enjoyed). I guess it's time to break the news. We finally had a break in the case! One of the forensic team members, a knife expert to be exact, was finally able to pinpoint the type of knife used to slash the victim's throats. "A fish knife." He stated. "Or a knife that's used to fillet fish." That explains why the cuts were so thin…It isn't much really, but now that we have a weapon, it'll make the evidence gathering (when we do find this guy) all the more easier, since we'll know what we're looking for (in the murder weapon department).

I also got another surprise today, one that was even better than the identification of the knife. Ludwig managed to bring Matthew in after he picked him up. At first I didn't notice since at the time I was deeply focused on scouring over every evidence and crime scene photo we had. Then, when I heard the sound of running feet (which broke my concentration), I saw my little boy running up to me, joy overflowing in his eyes. He gave me a tight hug and I had to get Ludwig to bring me an extra chair for Matthew, as I found myself unable to move due to the force of his hug. As Ludwig left to get the chair, I reached down and hugged Matthew back, whispering apology after apology in his ears. I wanted him to know that I was truly sorry for not being there with him for the past two weeks.

When we both had calmed down a little and Ludwig had brought the second chair and had left, I tried to explain everything to Matthew. I started from the start of the serial murders and worked my way down to the latest victims and evidence. I gave him the rated and censored version of events by the way. He seemed to be taking everything I said pretty well and he even seemed to be intrigued by the whole "I have to catch a killer" sort of thing. I assume that that isn't a good thing for a ten year old to be interested in but Matthew deserved to know why I wasn't there.

Once I was done, we sat together in a peaceful silence. I enjoyed the break and he, I assumed, enjoyed my company. Everything was good. Well, that was until he noticed the spread out photos on my desk.

Cocking his head slightly to the left, he suddenly pulled his chair closer to the wooden table. He then started to examine each and every photo, pausing for a moment at each victim's face. Normally I would have pulled the photos away from him, as they were too gruesome for a little boy like him, but I couldn't. I just couldn't do it for some bizarre reason.

While I observed him, I noticed that Matthew looked like he was memorizing the unique faces of the victims, storing the images away in some part of his brain for later reference. There was also something in his eyes, something that resembled a look of…recognition? But how? How could he distinguish someone, some people even, who he had never met before? I decided to not think about it once Matthew was done with the pictures and was gazing straight at me with his large purple eyes. I got the feeling that he wanted to help me with the case.

I smiled at him and lightly patted his wavy hair. I think he took it as a gesture of "yes, you can help me." I hope not, I don't want him getting hurt or worse, killed by this psycho running around.

I looked back at my desk as Matthew worked at picking up all the photos and then back at my watch. Six o'clock screamed the hands and I decided to call it quits for today. Matthew deserved to go home and have a nice cooked meal. Hell, I deserved a nice cooked meal at home and maybe a shower too.

I grabbed my coat and took Matthew's hand in mine and together we left the office, saying good bye to the front desk people and all my other coworkers who had the night shift.

Once we were back at the apartment, Matthew and I cooked some pasta I found in the cupboard. Huh…I really don't remember buying that pasta now that I think of it. Maybe Feli snuck some into my apartment a few months ago. I mean he did come over for that party and when does that guy _not_ have pasta on him? Ehhh, oh well. It was good anyway, especially with that red sauce that Ludwig left in the fridge.

After we were stuffed and content, I made Matthew get ready for bed. It was, after all ten and he really needed to sleep earlier. We went through our nightly ritual and I eventually went to bed as well but only after a nice, relaxing shower. Oh and by the way, I was right. Ludwig did sleep in my bed! It smelled like him. You know, with his obsession with cleanliness, I would have thought that he would have at least changed the sheets once he was done sleeping in my bed…

Remember how I had that horrible dream a few weeks ago? The one where the lost souls of those children were chasing me? Well, I just had a dream that was worse than that. This time it was about Matthew and he was dying.

In my nightmare, Matthew was in the hospital, sick and throwing up blood. He would retch painfully when he couldn't dispel anything from his stomach and every once in a while he would weakly curl into a half ball, clutching at his midsection in pain. His skin was discolored, the same yellow color I had observed in the dead bodies and his eyes, his beautiful eyes, were blood shot in a flaming color of red.

In the dream sequence, I would try to get into Matthew's room but the doctors would throw me out, saying "No! You cannot see him!" I had to resolve in standing there, at the large window overlooking his room, never being able to be there at his side as he lay in pain.

At times, he would feebly turn his head to look in my direction, conjuring up the saddest look I have ever seen. His eyes screamed pain and abandonment and I wanted to break through the glass that separated me from my deathly ill child. I wanted to give him comfort and a warm embrace that would vanquish those fears away.

I wanted nothing more than to be by his side and I watched in agony as Matthew took in a slow, shuddering breath. His last, painful one. I gasped and cried out when he died there, alone on that lonesome white bed, while I, barred and unable to be at his side for when he left, sank to the floor while tears ran down my cheeks.

Waking with a start, I gently touched my face feeling the wetness from my tears. It had been so real. I almost thought that I had lost him. It felt like I had lost him. I had to see him, just to make sure.

I soon found myself, creeping silently to his room. As I quietly as I could, I gently pried open the door, just a bit. Peeking in, I noticed Matthew laying there on his plush bed, lost in a pleasant dreamland, Kumajirou held tightly in his arms. I let out a sigh of relief and made my way back to my own room.

There I sat in the darkness, on top my sheets, pondering over what I had just experienced. If I had lost Matthew, what would I have done? Surely, nothing would mean anything to me, nothing at all.

I came to the conclusion that I would die if Matthew went before I did, for nothing would be the same without him.

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**OK, so I'll apologize now for all the mistakes that are probably in this chapter. I just wrote it about four hours ago, read it through once and decided to post it. It's like two in the morning here and usually ideas made at this time are not good ones...With that said, I'm sorry for any inconsistencies and mistakes that are present. **

**Please send me a review or something if there are mistakes. It'll help me fix stuff up :D Thanks for the help and for reading.**


	9. May 22, 1973

Learning to Love and Be Loved

_May 22, 1973_

I feel like we're getting closer and closer to the killer now. Even though we only had the ribbon and the knowledge of the fishing knife at the beginning of the day, by dusk, we were swimming in so much information that we had papers and evidence coming out of everyone's ears. Thank God (or whoever's up there) for Matthew! He's our little lifesaver and I couldn't be more proud of him!

I did notice, however, that something's wrong with him. Maybe he ate something bad at school for lunch or something (jeeze, what are they serving these kids?). He keeps grabbing at his stomach as if he wants to throw up everything he's eaten. I really don't remember him being all sickly this morning, in fact, I though he looked perfectly healthy…

Anyway, after I had dropped Matthew off at the school and made it back to the office, I called for a mandatory meeting discussing anything new that could relate to the case, which turned out to be a somewhat successful, I guess.

On one hand, our knife expert and his assistant managed to figure out exactly what kind of knife was used. He gave us the length of the blade, the most likely model, and which brand most likely made the knife. On the other hand though, the rest of the information we discussed as a team was severely disappointing. There was no new information dealing with the identity of any of the victims as well as a probably identity of the killer.

Another topic that surfaced was the lack of new victims or bodies along the river. Either the suspect has found a new dumping ground or they're laying low to avoid us, both of which are pretty bad on our end of the case. I had a team composed of six people go and scout all of the river banks looking to see if there was anything new or, if we were lucky, some evidence that was missed.

By the time three thirty came and went, I had been going over the small pile of documents our team had amassed over the duration of the case. When I had managed to look up at the clock and see that it was now three fifty, I swore loudly and was just about to run out the door when suddenly, my brother came walking in, a worried expression on his face. He startled me so much that I really felt as I was going to have a massive heart attack.

"I picked up Matthew today since I knew you were busy. He doesn't look too good, brother." He told me as I fixed my gaze on Matthew. He looked as if he had caught a cold. "He looks really nauseous, Gilbert. I suggest giving him the trash can just in case." I heard my brother say in the background.

I noticed that Matthew's face was a little flushed and that he was sweating. He had wrapped his small arms around his stomach area and clutched at the area tightly as if he were in extreme pain.

Ludwig mentioned that when he had picked up Matthew, he had seen Roderich and that he had mentioned that Matthew would periodically grab at his forehead as if he had a headache or something of that sort when he was in his therapy session. I could tell that my brother was extremely worried about Matthew's condition.

I picked up my child and carried him to the couch that was present in my office (it's new!) and laid a blanket that I had over his shivering body. I went back to my desk and pulled out a bottle of regular cold medication that I keep on hand, carefully spooning him the right amount that was on the label (thank goodness I had brought that soup for lunch today! Somehow I knew that I'd be using that spoon.).

Once I gave the medicine to him, he seemed to relax a little and his body had stopped being so twitchy and shaky. He soon fell into a deep sleep and I dismissed my brother from my office, telling him that he didn't have to worry about Matthew anymore and that I have it under control (or so I hoped).

As I walked back to my desk from the couch, I managed to trip over Matthew's rather large backpack. When I pulled myself off the ground, I gave a good hard look at the bag and I swear that that bag was not that big this morning. Curious as to what he had inside, I opened it, spilling out all of the strange files and documents that he had somehow stuffed inside of it.

"What the hell?" I remember thinking. "What is all this?" I began to sift through the papers and slowly, I felt my eyes begin to get wider and wider. Suddenly, it became clear as day to what exactly the folders and papers were. They were documents and not just plain, regular documents but documents of people. Children specifically, and very special children at that.

They were our victims.

I could feel myself grow faint as the relief of finding who our victims were washed over me in great, massive waves. Finally, they had names. Identities. They were finally somebody whole and not just another dead, unknown face.

I grabbed the backpack and took it to my desk where I dumped the contents out on to the hard surface. I began shifting through the papers and started to organize them since they had gotten mixed up when I strewed them across the table. At least they all had a name on the top left hand corner…Before I actually started to organize the files though, I called in to the county judge, asking him for a search warrant. Luckily he was there so the time to actually get it was really short. I sent some lower officer to go get it for me, which he did.

So anyway, as I was organizing the papers and laughing crazily (the awesome me does not giggle!) as I did so, I somehow managed to wake Matthew up (it was probably about an hour after he had initially fell asleep). I didn't notice him when he had originally padded over but only when I happened to smack him in the forehead with my elbow. I heard him make a small sound and I turned around getting a face full of cute as Matthew made a pouty face and rubbed at his forehead. I really wanted to pinch his cheeks. He was that adorable!

He was looking much better than when he first came into my office. I placed my hand on his forehead and felt that his temperature went down a little. I also noticed that he wasn't shaking anymore, so that was a plus as well. It didn't look like he had any stomach problems either, as his hands were on the desk and his head rather than on his abdomen. I crouched down and placed a hand on top of his head, ruffling up his hair a little which caused him to smile, forgetting momentarily about the pain he had just suffered.

"Wow Matthew!" I said to him, thinking that he would enjoy the praise. "Where did you find all these? It's just what the case needed!"

He looked at me and tilted his head a little, moving over to the desk and grabbed at the note pad I always had there. He took the pen and began to draw the school and the surrounding streets, finishing the drawing by drawing a large dumpster that was located at the back of the school, closest to an alleyway that led to God knows where. He then proceeded to circle the dumpster repeatedly, thus putting an emphasis on it and showing where he had found all the precious papers.

Once he was done, Matthew handed me the drawing and stared at me in the eyes, as if urging me to hurry the hell up and go diving into that dumpster. Feeling a sudden rush of euphoria as my senses finally caught up with what Matthew had just showed me, I quickly snatched him up, taking him by surprise (he really needed to gain some weight. He's too light for a ten year old…) and hugged him as hard as I could. I believe that I successfully cut off his air supply for a good minute or so.

I then proceeded to run out of the office, Matthew still in my arms, stopping only to tell Ludwig to call everyone on the team to meet me at the address of the school and that we had a dumpster to search! (By the way, in case you're wondering, in our area, once you place your garbage out, it's public property, meaning that anyone can go into it, including the police and without a warrant.)

After we had informed my brother, I placed Matthew into his usual spot in the car (right beside me in the passenger seat) and we sped off towards the school. By then, the medicine must have worn off as he was starting to look a little sick again. His shivering had returned and he started to look a little pale. When I began to notice his quickly diminishing health, I told him that he should sleep and that he had had a long day, especially since he had found those papers. I think he managed to understand what I was telling him despite that dazed, faraway look he had on his face.

By the time the two of us arrived at the scene, there were already two other squad cars and one forensics van there. While the two squad cars blocked off the alleyway, other officers were taping off the area and the some of the forensics people were suiting up to go dive into the dumpster.

I exited the car as quietly as I could so as not to disturb Matthew's restless sleep (he was still shaking and sweat had formed on his pale and now somewhat yellowy skin. He also had a slight fever and was clutching at his midsection like one would do if they had stomach cramps). I was, to say the least, very concerned about Matthew's state and I wanted to finish this as quickly but as though as we could. That way I could get him home and watch over him.

I rapidly moved over to where the dumpster was located, hoping that the team had found more evidence, which they did. More and more sets of documents were found until we had obtained six more complete sets, four of which belonged to already known victims. The other two were people I didn't recognize, thus signaling that we haven't found them yet, which was very distressing to know. We had to find those kids!

Anyway, when we were about an hour into the whole investigation (and this is at oh, five/six-ish) Miss Angelique suddenly came running out from God knows where screaming at our team at the top of her lungs. I swear, it was the strangest thing. She even had a broom in her hands too, swinging it at as many officers as she could. When she saw me, she came running at me, yelling, "What the hell are you doing? This is private property! Get out of my dumpster!" She almost hit me with the broom too.

I flashed her my trademark smirk and caught her flying broom before it could hit me, or anyone else for that matter. "Actually, Miss Angelique," I said smoothly. "This isn't your dumpster per say, it's the city's. Besides, once you throw something away, it becomes public property so technically, your trash belongs to everybody including the police force. And, since it's public property, we can search through it without a search warrant! Isn't that great?"

Inwardly, I laughed at Miss Angelique as her face slowly became red, almost as red as a little tomato or a cherry even. With a huff, she turned on her heel and left, angry curses leaving her mouth. She's really amusing when she's angry!

As I watched her go, I noticed a shimmer of red in her hair. I grabbed her arm and quickly spun her around so that I could get a better look at what the red thing was. She furiously yelled at me, throwing my hand off her arm, already turning back around. Unfazed by her actions, I lashed out with my free other hand, snatching at the red in her hair, rapidly pulling it off as she turned. She grabbed at the spot seconds later, crying out in pain as I ripped out a few of her dark brown hairs with the red thing.

When I opened my hand to look at what I had taken, I was overcome with surprise. There, in my hand was a red ribbon. The very same red ribbon we had found a few weeks back, I was sure of it. Even the hairs in the ribbon were the same shade and length. I quickly pulled out an evidence bag that I conveniently had in my pocket and dropped the ribbon inside, closing it securely and tightly.

"You just assaulted me you bastard!" She yelled as she clutched at the end of her pigtail. "You don't even have a search warrant so you just broke the law and infringed on my rights!"

"Actually," I snidely told her, "I do have a search warrant. It's right here…" I padded myself down a bit, finally finding the piece of paper in my front shirt pocket. I pulled it out and waved it in her face, mockingly. She made an angry sound and stomped away, back into the school.

After about another hour, the forensics team had found everything bit of evidence from the dumpster and had packaged it away into their van. Once I was sure everything had been packaged and everyone had left, I walked back to the car, hoping that Matthew was faring better than when I left him.

I climbed into the car while taking a quick peek at Matthew's sleeping form. Once again, he looked slightly better. His shaking stopped and his fever had gone down. He was still that strange yellowy color though. I put it off, thinking that the strange color would just go away in a little time. Since I was completely done with the day, I speedily started the car and took off towards the apartment.

Once we were there, I picked Matthew up and took him into the building, laying him gently on his bed once inside. I covered him up with blankets and placed Kumajirou under his arm. I watched him for a few minutes with the lights off, just to make sure he was alright. His chest would slowly rise and fall in an even pattern and there were no further indications that he had been sick throughout the day. He still was that weird pale-ish yellow color though and after a while, I found myself thinking that I had seen that color somewhere before…but where? I'll have to ponder on it later. I'm too tired now. Hopefully, Matthew will be well enough to go to school tomorrow…

I guess to end this journal entry, I have to say that there are many loose ends. Matthew being mysteriously ill, the new evidence, and Miss Angelique's involvement with the crimes are only some of those unfinished paths to name a few. Although there are many, I can say that I will rest easily tonight knowing that each victim now has a name to go with each face.

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**I'm so sorry that this two weeks to update! I just moved into my college dorm and all the traveling has just been a hassle. Hopefully updates won't take forever but you never know since school is starting up. My plan is to be able to update every week either on Friday night, Saturday, or Sunday (I'm not the party type of person so it should work out since I won't be dooing things on those days...). Hopefully it'll work out! **

**Oh, and before I forget, I'm still working on my kink meme fill. Only chapters 1 and 2 are out but I'm still working on it. I hoping to start posting it here sometime soon as well as the final chapters for _This Old House_ and the newer chapters for _A Secret Hidden From You._ So much to do...**

**Anyways, I hope that you enjoyed this chapter even though it felt a bit rushed and forced...  
**


	10. May 23, 1973

Learning to Love and Be Loved

**Hooray! A new chapter! Please alert me to any inconsistencies or mistakes!**

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_May 23, 1973_

It's three in the morning right now of the twenty fourth and I know I should feel elated that we managed to arrest Miss. Angelique but I can't feel anything but despair. Matthew is gravely ill and it seems that no one believes that he'll live. Even the doctors here at this hospital don't think that he'll survive the night. The frustration of not being able to be there by his side is eating away at me as well as the guilt I have, knowing that it was my own stupidity for allowing his sickness to progress this far.

I guess I should recap everything that happened today...

Today started almost like every other day. I woke up at six thirty, dressed and washed my face, and went down stairs to prepare a small breakfast for the two of us, just some scrambled eggs and a few strips of bacon. When seven fifteen rolled around and Matthew still hadn't come down from his room, I began to grow worried. Usually, he's up at seven ten and comes down five minutes later, exactly on the dot. I softly knocked on the door as I grabbed the handle and turned it. Peeking inside, I noticed that the boy was still asleep, the sun from his curtain-less windows dancing upon his face.

He would have looked like a little angel if it wasn't for the unnatural yellowness of his skin or the sweat on his forehead. I watched helplessly as he started to shiver and toss his head. Running over to his side, I scrambled onto the bed, pulling my Birdie's still sleeping form closer to me as I stroked his hair. After a few minutes, he blearily opened his eyes, the violet a dull purple instead of the vibrant amethyst it usually was.

Looking at the clock, I realized that it was getting to be a little late. "Come on Matthew," I said to him as I moved to get off of his bed. "You need to get ready for school. I know you're not feeling too well but you have to go. The foster agency demands that you go to therapy every day except the weekends and that includes sick days as well."

He looked up at me from his spot on the bed, large lilac eyes half open. I felt bad that I was making him go to even though he clearly needed rest. Don't get me wrong, normally I'm all for going against the rules but with Matthew and the agency, it's different. I want to keep him as my own and in order to do that I have to follow every rule, no ifs, and of buts or else they'll take him away.

Slowly and almost painfully, Matthew clumsily climbed out of bed. As he stood there motionless, I made my way over to his dresser, pulling out some clothes he could wear. I handed them over to him and he looked confused as to what to do with the articles. I let out a small sigh and walked over to the dazed boy. I told him to lift his arms up, in which he did (a little slowly I should add), and I pulled his pajama shirt off and tugged his clean shirt on. I gave him the pair of shorts, telling him that he's on his own with that and that I'll be waiting for him outside his door.

Instead of waiting by the door, I made my way to the staircase, pausing to wait for Matthew as I heard him shuffle quite sluggishly out of his room and together we moved down into the kitchen where the eggs had already gone cold. I ate my food quickly as I noticed that it was almost seven forty five. I had to get Matthew to school by eight thirty, which was also the time I had to be at the office by and today was not a good day to be late.

I glanced at Matthew as I grabbed my plate and I observed him pushing around his food with his fork. He didn't even take a single bite. I knew he wasn't feeling well and luckily, the medicine cabinet was right next to the sink, so after I placed my dishes into the tub of dirty water, I opened said cabinet and fished around, pulling out a white bottle a few seconds later. I shook out two pills into my hand and walked over to my little sick one. Opening my palm in front of his face, I revealed the slender white pills. I watched him pop the pills one at a time into his mouth, swallowing each with a mouthful of orange juice.

"It would be a good idea to eat something with those, Matthew. It'll help them work faster," I told him. He seemed to understand as he hesitantly took a mouthful of egg. Once he was done with that bite, he pushed the still semi full plate away from him and looked up at me. I sighed and I took his hand as the two of us gathered our daily belongings and made our way to the car.

I managed to drop Matthew off at the front desk, leaving him with Miss Elizabeta. She looked worried at Matthew's condition and I told her that he's a little under the weather. She nodded her head in an understanding way and took the dazed boy by the hand. When he turned his head and looked in my direction, I gave him a small wave hoping with all my heart that he won't hate me for taking him to school.

I left the building knowing full well in my head that I would be back in a few hours with not only myself but with an arrest warrant and a shit load of cops.

I drove to the station and flew through the entrance, almost running into a few people but I managed to dodge them just before we collided. I flung open the doors to the meeting room and took my place besides my brother. The meeting lasted three good hours, in which people we had processing the evidence present their findings and whether we had enough to file for a warrant. It turned out we did with the sheer amount of incriminating stuff we had found in the dumpster along with the ribbon we had found plus the one I tore out of Miss Angelique's hair. Just as we were finishing up with our meeting, and the messenger boy was sent off to get us our warrant, the secretary from the front desk timidly opened the door. All of us in the room looked up at her, silently questioning her as to why she was here.

"Um Mr. Gilbert,…there's someone on the phone asking for you. He says it's urgent." She spoke with her soft voice. Someone on the phone wanting to speak with me? Who would want to do that? Curious as to whom it was, I gathered my papers and left the room, leaving the rest up to my brother, whom was more than capable for planning out the safest way to arrest Miss Angelique.

I reached the front desk and picked up the phone, saying "Gilbert here. What do you want?" "Gilbert?" The voice on the other side questioned. "This is Roderich Edelstein, you know the psychiatrist? We met that one time?" God this guy was annoying! Of course I remembered who he was! The awesome me has the memory of an elephant! I wanted to yell at him but I held back, choosing to snap a little at him instead of a full blown yell. "What do you want? I was in a very important meeting so this better be urgent!"

"It's about Matthew." He said, and I almost dropped the phone. "What's wrong with him?" Worry filled my heart, as I felt time come to a standstill. "Well," Edelstein stated. "He's very sickly looking and when he came into my office of his session he was dazed and lost. His motor skills aren't functioning well and he seems to be focusing his energy on grabbing his stomach. He's also shivering a lot. I suggest that you come down and pick him up, take him to a doctor too. I'll mark it down that he came to his session today as he did show up."

"Alright." I told him. "I'm coming to get him."

As I quickly made my way to the front door, I saw Ludwig come up and meet me. I turned to face him, ready to tell him that I had to go get Matthew, but he beat me to it.

"Brother where are you going? We're going to assemble and head out to the school to arrest the murderer soon. Aren't you coming?" He asked.

"I can't" I told him. "Matthew is really ill and I need to pick him up now. I can't wait for the warrant or everyone to be ready. Matthew needs medical attention now." I turned on my heel and made my way to my car, leaving my brother behind.

When I stepped into the school's front office, I could tell something was wrong. Miss Elizabeta wasn't there to greet me as she usually was and the air was at a stifling still. I looked around, turning my back to the door that led to the classrooms and other rooms. That was a huge mistake as I soon found my head splitting in pain as I suddenly fell face first into the ground.

When I woke up, I found myself tied to a chair. How un-awesome and clichéd. My face, head and hair felt all crusty and gross and I realized that it was due to the blood from where I was hit that managed to dry. Once again, how un-awesome. I looked around the room as best I could, noticing that Matthew was sleeping soundly on a couch directly in front of me. What was Matthew doing here?

As I pondered that for a while, I began to realize that this room looked so familiar especially with the tropical decals everywhere. But from where? Where have I seen it before? When the realization of where I was materialized, it hit me like a ton of bricks. This was Miss Angelique's office, although it did change a little as that couch was new…Anyway, like I said, it was Miss Angelique's workplace.

Suddenly, the door swung open, revealing the she-devil herself. "Hello detective." She said as she smiled a little sweetly at me as she sat next to Matthew, shaking him a little on the shoulder, making him stir. Matthew looked up, that haze from before still in his eyes and I stared as she pulled out a thermos from a bag that she had brought in with her. She popped off the cap of the cylindrical tube and used it as a cup as she poured out what looked like water. Once the cup was full, she brought it to Matthew's lips and poured the liquid down his throat. He let out a little cough and slowly closed his eyes, drifting into what I hoped was sleep, but knowing her, she may have killed him right before my eyes.

"Do you know what that was?" She questioned as she smiled that sickening smile at me. All I did was grit and bare my teeth at her. She sauntered over to me, crouching so that her lips were at my ear. "It was water with arsenic dissolved inside. It's what I give to all my lovely little targets. It makes them weak, makes them want to fight less, makes them an easy kill."

"What! Why?" I yelled at her. "Why would you do this? They're children!"

"Why? Because I'm saving them! No one wants those little wretches, so I save them by releasing their souls, that way they can be reborn into something new. Think of it like I'm setting them free from the constrictions of this world. It's not their fault nobody wants them but this way they can be reborn, made into something totally new without having to live through their hopeless, unloved lives!"

At this she smiled, but it was no longer that of a sane person. The fire in her eyes reflected that of someone who was long ago lost within the confines of their own mind. But even still, this woman was a monster, no matter how much she thought she was helping them. How could she believe that crap? Using it as an excuse to take the lives of these innocent children! Killing them in a misguided attempt to save them. How ironic yet tragic at the same time.

"You bitch!" I screamed at her, unable to hide the emotions that played at my heart. I pulled at my binds, hoping to loosen them enough that I could break free and snatch Matthew. He needed help now. She laughed at me, taking pleasure at how I wouldn't be able to escape in time.

I soon gave up, tired and at my wits end. As all seemed lost, I heard it and at that time it sounded like angels from heaven coming to help rid the earth of this beast. The sounds I heard were the sirens of the police cars. Finally! My brother was finally coming. Someone who could rescue Matthew and take him to get medical assistance.

I smiled smugly and watched as Miss Angelique's face morphed into one of an angry pout as she turned and looked out the window. I could hear the cars outside come to a screeching halt and the sound of heavy feet running around outside as officers exited the vehicles. As she was distracted with what was happening outside, I continued to struggle with my binds. By some miracle of God, I managed to find the knot, desperately trying to untie it with my fingers. The bond loosened somehow and I managed to break free of my constraints.

Finding my new found freedom, I ran and tackled Miss Angelique to the ground, surprising her. We tumbled about as I tried to grab her arms when suddenly I felt a pain in my side. Somehow or another, she managed to pull a gun out of a hidden pocket of the coat she was wearing (who wears a coat in May?). It wasn't a large gun, just a small pocket revolver. Once again though, how could I have missed that? I slumped to the ground, holding myself up with one arm as I used the other to cover my wound.

Miss Angelique stood up from where she was, pointing the gun right to my heat and got ready to fire it at me again (how many bullets could that thing hold anyway? The gun was like what five inches at the most…) when suddenly the door was kicked open. I have to say that I have never been so happy as to see my baby brother in my life. He pointed his gun at Miss Angelique and gave her his hardest glare.

"Miss Angelique. You're under arrest for the murder of eight children and the attempted murder of a ninth."

Not once did the crazed Angelique look up at my brother as he addressed her. She only stared at me, into my eyes, never once wavering. It creeped me out, a lot. Without warning, she pulled the trigger of the gun and somehow I managed to turn, having the bullet entered my arm instead of my heart.

When I got over the initial shock and I became more aware of my surroundings, I noticed that Angelique was on the floor, bleeding from a chest wound. My brother must have fired as she fired at me.

Remembering Matthew, I shakily stood up, moving as fast as I could to his side. "Brother!" Ludwig almost yelled, as he watched me collapse in front of the couch. "Ludwig!" I rasped, turning to face him. "Call an ambulance! Hurry!" I felt my eyelids growing heavier and slowly darkness covered my vision. The last thing I heard was Ludwig actually yelling my name.

When I woke up I was here, at the hospital. I noticed that my side and head were bandaged and that I wasn't wearing a shirt. It took me a while but realized that I was at the hospital. My head finally mind finally became clear and the events of the day rushed into my head. Where was Matthew! Was he alright? I struggled to get out of the bed to find my little boy, only to find Ludwig holding me back. "Brother! You need to stay here!"

"No! Where's Matthew? Where is he? Where is my little Birdie?"

Ludwig looked at me, a foreign darkness in his eyes. "He's in the intensive care unit, brother. They don't know how long it'll be until he's better. They said that the levels of toxins in his body were extremely high, even for a normal case of arsenic poisoning. The doctor's, they're trying their best but it doesn't look too good right now."

I was stunned. How? How could I not notice this? Matthew was obviously ill! Why didn't I take him to the doctor's sooner? Why did I wait for it to be like this? Overwhelmed, I buried my head into my hands, telling Ludwig to go away, that I needed time alone. He didn't listen and instead climbed into my bed and let me cry onto his shoulder.

"It's not your fault Gilbert." He said as he tried to comfort me. "There's no way that you could have known that Matthew was being poisoned. And besides, Matthew's a strong child, he'll pull through."

When visiting hours were over, Ludwig left, telling me he'll come to visit and that he'll pick me up in two days when I get released. I wish I could remember more of what he said but all that I heard was "It's not your fault. There's no way that you could have known."

If only you knew Ludwig, if only you knew that I noticed Matthew's sudden changes, the way he dazed off, the way he would look like he was in pain. If only you knew that I could have done something to help him and now look. He's fighting for his life because of me.

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**Sorry for taking ages to update this story! School's been a pain and I've had such little time, as I have already started working on my Halloween costume (the only days I can work on it are on Saturday and Sunday ) Expect updates to be a little slow until I'm done with the costume, which shouldn't be too long. I'm almost done with it. (BTW if you're wondering, it's a cosplay of Franken Stein from Soul Eater. I'm super excited as I got the screw in his head to turn and click :D) **


	11. May 25, 1973

Learning to Love and Be Loved

**Hey everyone! I'm back! So, I've been busy re-reviewing all my old fanfics and so far I believe most of the oneshots are done. I still have to finish _TBWTPE_, _The Monkey's Paw_, and _This Old House_ before i can re-review this story, _Wherever You Will Go_ and _Secret Hidden From You_. Speaking of _Wherever You Will Go,_ I'm planning on working on it over winter break as well as this story and _SHFY. _I have a month off so hopefully I'll get everything done. They're all outlined, I just have to write them (-.-')**

**I hope that you'll enjoy this chapter as I feel a bit rusty...**

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_May 25, 1973_

I can't believe it's been two days…two days since we arrested Miss Angelique for the Lotus River killings, two days since she shot me in the chest and split my head with a bat…two days since I found out that she was poisoning my poor Matthew.

Why? Why does Matthew continue to suffer? I take care of him, I give him love and joy and yet he still faces with pain. I'm a failure as a guardian. There's no other way to put it. I am a failure. I made it my duty when I took him under my wing to help him, to end his continuous torment and yet, all I have done is cause him more. I guess this notion I had, this thought that I could make Matthew's life better, was just nothing more than a fantasy that will never come true. I realize now that I am unfit to care for this young child and that maybe, just maybe, I should give him up and let some other qualified person raise him, give him a good home in which he'll be safe from harm and pain.

I…I should stop. I need to focus on the good right now. I guess something that is good is that I was discharged from the hospital today. Ludwig came by this morning to pick me up too since I didn't have my car. The nurse had already given me my pain pills to take home when my brother walked in my small hospital room. I was surprised that he didn't bring Feliciano with him; maybe they had a fight or something…

Silently, he handed me one of my clean shirts and a pair of jeans (he must have stopped by my apartment to pick them up, after all, he does have one of the extra keys) and sat down on the visitor's chair in my room. I didn't feel like putting on my clothes since at the time I was still stuck in my rut of anguish and failure over Matthew's care. My brother, knowing me well, asked what was wrong and I told him everything, how I'm a loser and that Matthew needs someone to take better care of him. When I finished, I almost had tears in my eyes, (_almost,_ as the great me never cries) and I looked at my brother.

He had on the scariest face I had ever seen. It was one of disappointment and anger, and something I just couldn't put my finger on…maybe frustration. Suddenly, he stood up from the chair and ordered me to get dressed as quickly as possible without reinjuring myself. I was free to leave whenever so it really didn't matter that we were going to leave without telling anyone. I dressed carefully so that I wouldn't rip the stitches in my side and focused on why my brother was so upset instead of on Matthew. I was also a little curious to know the reason behind my brother's urgency, maybe Feliciano dumped him for someone else and he was just taking his anger out on me. Who really knows? Ludwig doesn't really like to share his thoughts with anyone, not even me, his awesome older brother.

Once I was through dressing, I hobbled (I totally haven't walked since I came here) a little outside the door to my now former room and spotted Ludwig. "Come on, we're going this way" he mandated and he sped off in the opposite direction of the exit. I followed him quietly and quickly, more confused than ever at his actions, although I was happy that his strange moodiness kept my mind off of my earlier thoughts.

"Where are we going?" I asked quietly as we came to a halt outside of an unmarked room.

"They haven't told you?" He sounded strangely alarmed. "No," I retorted with a snort, "I haven't heard about anything since I woke up and they told me that Matthew might not make it." I watched as my younger sibling sighed and pointed to the door.

"This," he said, "is Matthew's new room. He was moved out of intensive care this morning. I think we're allowed to see him as none of the doctors said anything against it. If we can't see him, I don't really give a crap and I don't think you do either."

Wow…I never knew that my brother could disobey rules. As you probably know, he lives for rules, his life is dictated by rules and if he didn't have rules I would say that my brother would probably go insane or something along those lines…

Anyway, I reached for the door knob and twisted it, pulling it open and slinking inside, Ludwig right behind me. The first thing I noticed was the light blond head of hair on the bed. It brought a smile to my face knowing that it was Matthew and that I missed him these past two days.

The second thing I noticed was that he was asleep. He wasn't tossing or turning, he was just resting peacefully. I would have to say that it was probably the best sleep he had in the past week. We silently walked up to Matthew, and while trying not to disturb him too much, I reached out and stroked his hair. I know it sounds creepy but I don't care! It was reassuring to see him, alive and not hooked up to machines and what not like the last time I saw him in the hospital (I do assume that he was hooked up to something when we were first brought in here but I was unconscious so this trip doesn't count).

As I was stroking his hair, Ludwig handed me a plastic bag. I looked at him with a quirky eyebrow and took it with my free hand, opening it as well. I peeked at what was within the bag and was a little surprised. Inside was Kumajirou, looking a little bit cleaner than when I last saw him.

"When I went to pick up your clothes, I saw him lying on the floor. I though Matthew would like to have some company, since you can't always be there for him and we don't know when he's coming out of the hospital. I washed him too since he was a little dirty."Ludwig whispered. I watched as he rubbed the back of his head nervously. My silly little brother, always having trouble expressing his emotions. At least I know that he cares for Matthew too.

Just as I was reaching to place Kuma under Matthew's arm, he started to stir. I froze and watched as my little one sleepily opened his large violet eyes. He blinked a few times and when he noticed I was there with Kumajirou, he smiled at me and lunged for my neck, grabbing hold of it and giving me a hug. He was just so happy, and I couldn't stop myself from smiling back, as I discovered that his happiness was contagious.

After a while, he released my neck and settled back into his sheets, Kumajirou now clutched to his chest. The three of us sat there together in silence, our shared contentment filling the room and calming us all. About ten minutes after Matthew had woken up, the doorknob twisted and Matthew's doctor walked in, not at all surprised at seeing us, which I thought was quite strange. He walked up to Mattie and began to check him with his stethoscope, telling him to breathe and all that stuff, occasionally writing stuff down on this clipboard he had.

Once the doctor was done, he turned to me and asked if I would step outside with him. I nodded and we left the room. After we were outside, I turned to him and asked, a little nervously, if Matthew was going to be alright. He nodded and said that yes, he looks like he's going to be fine. He will however have to undergo tests in the next few years that will determine if he will have neurological problems or cancer in his skin or organs due to the arsenic. The doctor went on to explain that since they were able to get out most of the poison that Miss Angelique poured down his throat the day we arrested her, it didn't really affect him. The other poison that had already been absorbed by his body however, may lead to some consequences but it didn't look that bad.

I let out a sigh of relief. He was going to be alright. The doctor also stated that Matthew could go home tomorrow as well. I was so excited when I heard the news that I almost ran back inside to tell my brother and Mattie himself. I remembered though that I had to thank the doctor and I did. Then I ran into the room, successfully startling both Matthew and my brother.

Running up to my little one, I kneeled down so that he and I were face to face. "How would you like to go home tomorrow? Does that sound like a plan?" I asked him. I watched as his eyes went wide for a moment and he began to nod his head furiously in a yes like manner. I had to tell him to stop so that he wouldn't hurt himself. Matthew seemed content afterwards, wanting to watch T.V. and just sit with my brother and myself. Even though we were going to see him tomorrow, Ludwig and I stayed with Mattie until a nurse kicked us out, saying that he needed to rest. As we left, I gave my little boy a hug and told him that we'll be back to pick him up as soon as we can tomorrow.

On the car ride home from my brother, I couldn't help but feel in high spirits about Matthew. I mean he's better now and he's happier than he has been for the past week or so. I think Ludwig noticed my more cheerful aura or something because I caught him staring at me when we were waiting for a light to change.

"What?" I asked him and all he did was smile and drive as the light changed to green. "It's nothing." He managed to reply. "Just that you seem more cheerful and light hearted than when I first saw you this morning." I lightly punched him in the arm. "You know why I was depressed and Matthew's happiness is contagious! I can't help be feel more upbeat." We settled into a small silence then and after a few minutes my brother decided to comment again.

"You know, Matthew doesn't see you as a failure Gilbert. He sees you as someone who he can trust, someone who genuinely cares for him. He knows that you love him Gilbert and I don't think he'll trade anything in the world to not be your son. You are his world, his hero that saved him in his darkest hour and nothing can ever change his view on that. Sure you think that him being poisoned was your fault, but it wasn't. I know it sounds weird by shit happens and I'm pretty sure Matthew knows that too. He loves you and nothing in the world can alter that Gilbert. Nothing. Not even yourself."

With that, my brother stopped the car outside my apartment. We sat there for a little as I pondered over what he had said. When his words began to sink in, I smiled at him, truly thanking him for everything. He nodded and smiled back and took off in the direction of his own home.

Walking to my front door I couldn't help but think that maybe, I wasn't a loser after all…

[END PART I]

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**Yup, you read right, end of part I. Part II will be interesting hopefully. Anyway, I may not update for a while as I have finals to study for (which are in a two weeks) and I really need to study so yeah...**


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